tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80122459256358557442024-03-21T12:48:35.818+00:00Pain HealerReflections on dominance and submissionPain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-68121730023298402792018-06-13T21:03:00.002+01:002018-06-13T21:03:46.011+01:00Submissiveness - serving two masters<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="field field-name-title field-type-ds field-label-hidden view-mode-full">
<div class="field-items">
<div class="field-item even">
<h2>
</h2>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="field field-name-body field-type-text-with-summary field-label-hidden view-mode-full">
<div class="field-items">
<div class="field-item even">
<div>
This
post is about a life situation that seems quite frequent - where a
woman with submissive inclinations is married to a man who has no
affinity for being dominant. As she starts to explore her true nature,
the tensions between the call of her Self and the obligations of
marriage can stretch her emotionally to breaking point.<br />
<br />
I hope
that this situation is improving - the internet provides so much more
information about sexuality now that it is easier to learn who you are
at an earlier age. However it can take a long time to understand
yourself, so it's still quite possible to end up being married before
your submissive nature reveals itself.<br />
<br />
If you find yourself in
this dilemma, it is very important to be clear. As a married submissive
woman your husband is your Master. You cannot have a Dominant "on the
side" and expect it to work, because this type of relationship is
basically one of deception.<br />
<br />
I realise how hard this situation can
be, your newly discovered submissiveness is so energising and powerfully
rewarding that the thought of not being able to fulfill it is almost too
much to bear. Others may have different advice on how to cope with
this - I offer my own opinions here for what they are worth:<br />
<br />
<strong>submit to your husband, even if he can't receive it</strong><br />
<br />
Initiate
the submissive behaviour of your own accord. At first he may be
sceptical or even scornful, but persist with humility. Examples of
submissive acts include</div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>make a point of getting up
early every morning and kneeling naked by the bedside where he can see
you. Repeat before going to bed.</li>
<li>in the evening, kneel at his feet rather than sitting beside him on the sofa.</li>
<li>wear a skirt rather than trousers, and go bare underneath when in his presence.</li>
<li>be waiting at the door when he arrives home, and make a submissive gesture such as a bow or curtsey.</li>
<li>initiate
your own monitoring, making a point of recording any behaviour that a
dominant would regard as an infraction. Go through your records with him
if he's willing, and ask for his help in becoming a better person.</li>
</ul>
<strong>keep your own infractions book </strong><br />
<br />
Your
infractions book keeps track of all your lapses in submissiveness,
however minor. Even if you don't receive punishment for your
infractions, it is a useful way of increasing your awareness, and you
can always use the self-discipline methods mentioned in the next
section.<br />
<ul>
<li>it is important to record unsubmissive thoughts,
especially negative thoughts about your husband. They can be fleeting,
if you don't make a note of them at the time they occur you will quickly
forget you were having them, but it is good to have them on record for
the future.</li>
<li>if your husband does come round to disciplining you
eventually, it will be good to have a record of all your past
infractions so that these can be worked through</li>
<li>if your
circumstances change and you become free to take up with a Dominant,
working through all these recorded infractions will become important.</li>
</ul>
<div>
<strong>manage your own discipline</strong></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
Although
self-inflicted punishment can't replace that given by a dominant, there
are some things you can do to punish yourself, such as self-spanking or
self-whipping with a strip of leather</div>
<ul>
<li>use kneeling or
holding a punishment position for a significant time to discipline
yourself. Getting out of bed in the middle of the night to kneel is a
way of challenging yourself harder.</li>
<li>nettles can sting
ferociously, and you may be able to persuade your husband to use them on
you instead of a cane. Otherwise they are easy to use on yourself.</li>
<li>one of the best implements for self-punishment is the ferula. It is spoon-shaped, made of heavy rubber, and really stings!</li>
<li>missing
a meal, taking a cold shower, exercise, picking up litter, or giving
away possessions to a charity shop are other ways of self-discipline.</li>
</ul>
<strong>remain submissive when provoked</strong><br />
<br />
All
relationships build up tension which can lead to rows. There is no
excuse for behaving unsubmissively in these situations, so accept
responsibility yourself rather than blaming your husband. It's virtually
impossible to continue arguing with someone who is totally accepting
the blame for the situation and humbly apologising<br />
<ul>
<li>you can defuse the situation by kneeling for an hour until things have calmed down.</li>
<li>make your apology - in writing if doing it verbally is too hard.</li>
<li>accept the blame and request punishment for your part in the row.</li>
<li>Avoid
blaming your husband, however badly you think he has behaved. Try to
see how your behaviour might have provoked a reaction from him.</li>
</ul>
<strong>build friendships with female submissives</strong><br />
<br />
Most
husbands would be threatened by you having a friendship with a male
Dominant, but may be quite comfortable with you meeting female
submissives as a group for friendship and support. I recommend this if
you can set it up, because it helps to remove the isolation, gives you
an opportunity to share advice and support one another with the
self-discipline.<br />
<br />
<strong>caveat</strong><br />
<br />
as one of my
readers kindly pointed out, there is a limit to how much submission you
should give if it's not being valued, or worse, you are getting abused.
My suggestions above are about ways a submissive can initiate change in
her relationship without insisting that her partner makes the first
move, but that doesn't mean I recommend making yourself a doormat. There
comes a point when enough is enough.<br />
<br />
There is much more I could
say here, which I am happy to do if asked. If you have experience of
introducing submissiveness into a conventional marriage, I'd be
interested in your comments.</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-72299939208156926312018-05-13T19:50:00.000+01:002018-05-13T19:50:23.172+01:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
What follows is my old Fetlife profile. I'm changing it to something much simpler on that site, but I don't want to lose this one as I spent a lot of time working on it....<br />
<br />
<i>I see myself foremost as a healer, but also as a disciplinarian -
these two belong together in my personality. I have many years of
experience in psychology, psychotherapy, coaching and personal
development. I have helped many people using these skills, but in so
doing I have met others, often extraordinarily talented and creative
people, who were unable to fully benefit from these approaches because
they lacked the necessary discipline. At the time my professional ethics
made it impossible to provide the discipline that was lacking, but I am
now creating a new lifestyle for myself where this becomes possible.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>I am renovating a property in the Scottish Highlands in which I plan
to run workshops in the future. In the meantime the building and land
needs a lot of work doing to it, so there is an opportunity for
volunteering with a d/s angle which could involve discipline,
submissiveness and corporal punishment. I am interested to talk to
anyone, male or female, who would be interested in helping.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>In the longer term I expect there to be difficult times ahead -
whether caused by climate change, economic collapse, politicians, war,
or any number of other factors. Probably a combination of all the above.
I aim for the property to serve as a refuge where a small community can
prepare for surviving the hard times.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>I'm looking to attract suitable people to join me in this community. I
expect such people to understand submissiveness, to be able to get
their egos out of the way enough to follow my leadership and serve the
community. I've had some very positive experiences of working with
people who are genuinely submissive, not in a needy, attention-seeking
sense, but in the sense of quietly doing what they are told and reliably
delivering results.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>So the type of person I'd be hoping to meet would be interested in
living a life where their submissiveness is valued, but in the format of
a community rather than one to one relationships or one-off kinky
activities. Although such a person may already be an experienced
'player', I'm looking for someone who wants more than play, that is open
to being trained in my way of operating, which I summarise under 7
headings - obedience, discipline, openness, skills, resilience,
simplicity, service.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i><strong>Guidelines for contact</strong></i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>I notice that many fetlifers use their profile to set out guidelines
for making contact. Rather than list a set of rules and prohibitions,
here are my suggestions for reasons why you should make contact with me.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>1. You understand the impact that humans are having on this planet,
and have come to the conclusion that we are doing a lot of damage that
sooner or later we will be called to account for. This could come in
many ways such as climate change, economic collapse, wars, food
shortages, drought.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>2. You have realised that these problems are beyond the capacity of
the human race to fix using our technology. Instead you are drawn to
atoning for the damage, not only that which you are personally
responsible for, but also the errors of others.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>3. You are drawn to sacrifice and service to facilitate healing of
the planet. You see D/s as a way of facilitating this, so for example
you are drawn to the pain of severe punishment, nakedness to display
your humility, you welcome restrictions on your sexual expression so
that your sexuality becomes service.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>4. For you this is not "play", but something you take very seriously.
You would like to re-order your life around obedience, discipline,
simplicity, reducing wants and needs, becoming more resilient.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>5. You are drawn to working with others to achieve these goals. You
are willing to be trained in these skills, whatever your prior
experience.</i><br />
<br />
<i>
</i><i>6. You understand the meaning of submissiveness, seeing it not as
something to use to get attention, but as a way of subjugating your ego
and putting the needs of others before your own. You are open to being
submissive or dominant, whatever the community needs at the time.</i></div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-86909827110393948382018-05-07T18:48:00.000+01:002018-05-07T18:48:09.728+01:00Through submissiveness to higher consciousness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Although some people are more naturally submissive than others, submissiveness is a quality which can be developed through practice, discipline and training, under the guidance of someone with the specialised knowledge of what is required. It may be helpful to think of the development of a submissive as going through a series of stages.<br /><br />
<b>Stage 1</b><br /><br />In this stage the individual is not aware that they are actually submissive, they haven't thought of themselves in those terms yet. There will be signs and indications of course, they will be aware that they are different from other people, but they may not realise that there are others like themselves. The submissiveness may reveal itself through particular types of fantasies, an attraction to austerity and a rejection of self-indulgence. This individual may have a tendency to defer to other people, to sit quietly in the background rather than join in with conversations, or to apologise for themselves a lot.<br /><br />
<b>Stage 2</b><br /><br />There comes a time when the individual begins to recognise their submissive nature, and starts wanting to do something about it. This might come about through reading, through watching videos or documentaries. Alternatively someone who has known them for a while may recognise their submissive traits, introduce them to the concept, and suggest cautiously that this might be the case for them.<br /><br />Sometimes this guidance will be rejected because the potential submissive is not ready to absorb it, but often it will come as a great relief, a moment of discovery when things start to fit into place. Often the person pointing this out will be another submissive or a dominant who has learned to recognised the signs. Although the news needs to be imparted tactfully because it can be hard to take in, this is nevertheless a very helpful thing to do because it can save the individual many years of pain and wasted time derived from not understanding who they are.<br /><br />An individual at this stage is not really submissive yet. They may have fantasies of submission, but they won't be very reliable at carrying out some of the basic requirements, such as being obedient and accepting discipline.<br /><br />
<b>Stage 3</b><br /><br />Once an individual has recognised their submissiveness and started to experiment with it, they may come to realise that they need help to develop. This is where the idea of submissive training comes in. It is necessary because the ego is immensely powerful, and it is very difficult for someone to use their own ego to overcome itself. It really does require someone from the outside, normally a dominant person, to use the power of their will to instruct the submissive in what to do, to point out what they may be doing wrong, and to stretch them with ever more challenging goals.<br /><br />Although the initial experience of exploring submissiveness might be very exciting, it doesn't take long for reaction to the instruction to set in. This this is often called "topping from the bottom", and is where the submissive tries to take control of the relationship, often in subtle ways. It is an example of the ego creeping back in, and an experienced dominant will spot this immediately and correct it.<br /><br />There could be a number of false starts, because finding a good dominant is not an easy process. In the excitement of the first encounter it is easy to overlook the dominant's limitations. There needs to be alignment between the goals of the dominant and the needs of the submissive. There is a need for a lot of exploration and negotiation before embarking on a training relationship with a dominant. An individual who is new to submissiveness won't know a lot about what to look for, so there can be much trial and error involved.<br /><br />Assuming that the new submissive does eventually find a dominant who seems to offer what is needed, there needs to be a period of discussion and negotiation, arriving at an agreement as to what that training will consist of. What does the dominant expect from the submissive? What does the submissive hope to achieve in their training? The submissive will have all sorts of ideas and expectations which picked up from the culture, and it will take a lot of work to modify those into true submissiveness.<br /><br />Just as it takes at least three years to gain a professional qualification, you should think in terms of it taking three years to become well trained as a submissive. The contents of that training are beyond the scope of this article, but the ultimate aim will be to embed the fundamental qualities so firmly that external control is no longer needed.<br /><br />So for example, discipline learned with the aid of the sanction of punishment eventually becomes self-discipline, where the need for any sort of punishment disappears. Similarly rituals will initially be done erratically if at all, but when performed diligently over a long period the submissive comes to see their value, and so carries them out willingly and automatically, rather than needing external discipline to keep them happening.<br /><br />So for example if the dominant requires a submissive to kneel or meditate for a period every day, it will be quite hard at first to maintain that regular discipline. The dominant will need to monitor the submissive to ensure compliance, and enforce obedience through various sanctions. Once the submissive has been practising discipline like this for an extended period of time this changes completely. The practice becomes so embedded, comforting and reassuring that the thought of missing out on it becomes unthinkable.<br /><br />Another part of the training will be in openness and honesty. Again at first this can be a really difficult thing to do and a lot of enforced discipline is required to make sure that happens. However as training proceeds the submissive realises the benefits of openness, she becomes so convinced of the value of it that to be dishonest or to deceive just becomes unthinkable.<br /><br />
<b>Stage 4</b><br /><br />There is another stage, which begins when the training process is complete. At this point there is really no need for external control, the basic principles of submissiveness - obedience, discipline, openness, reliability, simplicity - are fully established and automatic. The submissive will have also acquired a wide range of skills, and developed their strength and resilience to be able to carry them out. All significant psychological issues will have been worked through, and while nobody is totally free from hangups, these no longer cause issues, they are just dealt within the normal run of events.<br /><br />Once this stage is reached the submissive may not need a dominant any more, or may just need the occasional maintenance session. At this point there are a number of options. The submissive may choose to become dominant in their own right, and start to take on other submissives in training. Alternatively they may decide they need to go even deeper into the submissive process, essentially taking on a slave role, or exploring deeper levels of masochism.<br /><br />A third option, the one that interests me most, is to submit to a higher power, which is a spiritual process. It's difficult to do this at an earlier stage because the ego gets in the way, and you need the external discipline to work with. But once the submissive has reached the stage of not needing external domination, they can essentially monitor their own submissiveness then the possibility of submitting to the Field, Gaia or any chosen higher power becomes available.<br /><br /><b>Higher consciousness</b><br /><br />Higher consciousness arises when you've got a direct and immediate communication with a higher power.You can only submit to something or someone that you can communicate with and receive guidance from. This may sound strange if you've not experienced it, but it really works! You ask for help with a particular problem and it miraculously arrives, perhaps through another person who just appears at the right moment with the help you need, or perhaps because the solution just appears in your mind. Similarly you get guidance as to how you can serve the higher power by noticing your thoughts, messages from others, or unlikely coincidences.<br /><br />I don't know of a guaranteed way of bringing on this capability, but I do know that the disciplines of submissiveness, if followed diligently over a long period, make it more accessible. This is because submissiveness works in large part by containing the ego, getting it out of the way, and this seems a necessary step for achieving the higher faculties. I know that meditation works too, but submissiveness may be quicker!<br /><br />It seems that higher consciousness can develop in response to difficult experiences, such as loss, bereavement, accidents or trauma. This is where physical punishment may be helpful, because it seems that pain is another method of awakening higher consciousness. If you look at the lives of the Saints, the practices of gurus, mystics or shamans; these people often put themselves through a considerable degree of physical hardship and suffering. At the opposite end, people who've never experienced any difficulty in their lives can often be remarkably unconscious. Physical discipline and punishment may be a controlled way of raising consciousness, whereas experiencing traumas such as a car crashes or terrorist situations will be very uncontrolled and risky. It may be that people who put themselves deliberately into dangerous situations are seeking a way of raising their consciousness too.<br /><br />I think it can be very useful for a submissive who finds she is starting to access these levels to continue to work with a Dominant, because the new energies can be very destabilising, and deceptive at times. It's therefore very useful to have someone who can introduce checks and balances, while willing to accept that she now responds to a higher authority than him.<br /><br />Of course there's no guarantee that a Dominant who has taken a new submissive from the untrained stage right through to fully trained will have attained higher consciousness himself. There isn't the same requirement for Dominants to control their egos after all. In this situation a submissive really needs to seek out a different Dom with a matching level of awareness, because the principles that apply to everyday consciousness simply do not work at the higher level. It's a totally different way of operating, and someone without that experience will not be able to help her.<br /><br />Being the only one who has higher consciousness can be quite a lonely situation, particularly as it should involve being able to freely communicate with others at a telepathic level. Therefore seeking out a group, or community of similar people is a really good idea. A community led by a Dominant who has attained higher consciousness, and containing a number of submissives who have reached that level themselves, perhaps including others who are still in training, would be a very fruitful combination that would be highly rewarding for all concerned.<br /><br />The main principle in such a community will be to sort out the alignment towards the higher power, the entity that everyone is ultimately submitting to. Its the role of the Dominant to make the initial connection and to work out what the purpose of the higher power is. Then the submissives in the team align themselves in the same way, so that everybody is ultimately oriented to the same higher power. This is necessary because a team that contains people who are aligned differently will pull itself apart.<br /><br />I'm talking about quite a rare situation here. I imagine that such a grouping would be labelled as a cult by the outside world, and it would certainly be necessary to guard against going in that direction, but the benefits that could flow as service to the world at large could be so productive that I feel that it's worth making the attempt.<br /><br />Please do comment here if you have experience of attaining higher consciousness through your submissive disciplines, or if you have worked with others in this way.</div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-5682854808757246382018-05-05T18:27:00.003+01:002018-05-05T18:27:47.531+01:00Punishment in the training of a Submissive<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I made many attempts at writing a rationale and justification for punishment as a component of a submissive's training, before concluding that I was wasting my time. Training as a submissive without punishment is like trying to play the game of cricket without cricket bats: it would be a pointless exercise. Willingness to accept punishment is such a fundamental component of submissiveness that if you are firmly opposed to the idea you should probably read no further.<br /><br />Paradoxically the other extreme is also true – if you could willingly accept any amount of punishment and masochistically enjoy every second of it then it is unlikely to have the corrective effect necessary. Ideally you should view the prospect of being punished with a certain amount of fear and trepidation, while accepting that it will do you good and resolving to suffer it willingly and bravely. If you have never been punished before that is not a problem - all you need is a willingness to experience it.<br /><br />It is important to state at this point that I am talking about punishment as a consensual activity between two adults who understand what they are doing and are sufficiently well adjusted to do it in a safe way. I am not talking about criminal acts of violence or abuse. Our culture finds it difficult to make the distinction, but a submissive with even a small amount of experience can tell the difference.<br /><br />
<b>Why is punishment necessary in submissive training? </b><br />
Punishment is an integral part of the training. It is necessary to challenge the negative ego traits that can be so destructive to individuals and their relationships. It is vital to ensuring that the training exercises are carried out as required – thoroughly, accurately and with maximum effort. Bad habits such as laziness, slovenliness, carelessness, lateness and suchlike have to be be eliminated, and sometimes it is necessary to experience a certain amount of pain and humiliation to achieve this. While corporal punishment is essential to the proper training of a submissive, this only becomes possible when face to face work with a dominant begins. Before this starts, punishments such as bar time and kneeling can be given for infractions.<br /><br />Having said that I don't want to try and justify punishment, there are a number of reasons why it is helpful in a submissive's training. You may wish to reflect on this list and use it to check your own motivations:<br /><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>The relationship between you and your dominant involves an exchange of power and control. Punishment symbolises this exchange, and provides a sanction that the dominant can use.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Your dominant will be instructing you to do things that you find difficult, that cause your ego to rebel. Trying to use your ego to overcome your ego isn't a recipe for success, so your dominant needs a sanction to overcome the resistances your ego will produce. Without such sanctions all your dominant can do is shame you, shout at you or sack you, none of which are desirable or productive outcomes. </li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>If punishment is not overt and physical it tends to emerge in a way which is covert and emotional. For a relationship this can be much more destructive. Most submissives are emotionally sensitive, and would far prefer the "short sharp shock" of pain to being subjected to an extended period of anger or withdrawal.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Punishment tends to focus the mind. It makes the experience of submission more real, it is no longer just a role play or a mental activity done from the safety of a computer.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Pain accelerates learning. Externally imposed discipline soon becomes self-discipline, and external control becomes self-control. This happens much more quickly if physical punishment is used than if it is merely an academic exercise.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Punishment can be humiliating, often intentionally so. Accepting this humiliation will help you to learn humility.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Submissiveness is demanding. It may sound good to be obedient and open, but putting the ideas into practise can be very challenging. The body rebels from holding an uncomfortable position, basic instincts make us want to resist doing unpleasant tasks, our addictions make us do things that we know we shouldn't. Punishment is a very practical means for reinforcing the will and bringing the ego under control.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Keeping a record of infractions is an important task for a submissive in training, but without a punishment for these infractions the exercise will soon start to seem pointless. You will stop doing it, and the benefit of the discipline will be lost.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Punishment can have beneficial psychological effects, if it is done in a caring way with consent. The pain pathways of the body trigger the release of opioid neurotransmitters in the brain which can lead to a state of stillness and calm, but also energy.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Punishment can leave marks on your body which you should be proud to carry and display. They act as constant reminder of your state of submission to your dominant, and the nature of the relationship between you. Your dominant will reinforce the significance of these marks by having you display them regularly.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>When you routinely experience pain in a manageable way, you learn to overcome it. Yes, there is a moment of intensely painful feeling as you are struck, but within a few seconds this subsides. As the pain subsides, the fear of pain starts to subside too, being replaced by a sense of achievement and inner strength. As you overcome fear of pain, you also start to overcome fear of other people, they lose their power to hurt you. Soon there is a lot less to be afraid of, and letting go of fear brings liberation. Pain, paradoxically, sets you free,</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Punishment will force you to be a responsible adult, to grow up. A good dominant will not tolerate excuses, and the submissive quickly learns that only the highest standards are acceptable. There is much genuine pride to be gained from this, which is excellent for your self-esteem.</li>
</ul>
</div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-46979558181743825502018-05-05T18:19:00.000+01:002018-05-05T18:19:00.663+01:00Barriers to obedience<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You long to submit, you find someone worthy who is willing to accept your submission, they give you a simple task to perform which you gladly accept, you set out with good intentions determined to please - and you can't do it.<br /><br />What has happened? There may be a number of reasons, but the most common is fear. Fear blocks us, prevents us from growing and reaching our full potential. Rather than deal with it we seek out a "comfort zone" where we're not exposed to the fear and quietly forget it's there. An experienced Dominant will quickly spot your avoidance and set you a task that forces you to tackle it head on, at which point you arrive at the uncomfortable conclusion - "I can't do it".<br /><br />Does this mean that you're a bad submissive, a hopeless case? No, it means that you have a fear (or guilt, shame, or other negative emotion) that rises up when triggered and makes it impossible to do the required task. Fear is endemic - there are very few people that don't fear something, but the good news is that it is eminently treatable.<br />
<br /><b>Dealing with fear</b><br /><br />If it's deep and ingrained it may be best to get help from someone trained in this work such as a therapist. This is even more important if the fear stems from a traumatic event. However if it's not too extreme, you can work with someone else, or even do it on your own. <br /><br />If you are in a relationship with a Dominant then they may be able to help you work through the fear. It's important that they are sensitive to your degree of emotion and help you to manage your anxiety. Forcing you to keep going when you're feeling terrified may only traumatise you more, so it's important that they know when to pause and reduce the emotional arousal. The same applies when you are working on the fear yourself, but you're more likely to stop much sooner in this case.<br /><br />Choose a time to work when you're relatively calm. Stress can increase fear, so if you're highly stressed and close to burnout, you need to deal with the underlying causes first. In fact having panic attacks can be a strong indication of being highly stressed.<br /><br />Identify the fears. Clearly before you can work with fears you need to know what they are. Sometimes this can be easier said than done, because our minds are very good at protecting us from unpleasant memories. The condition known as "generalised anxiety" can come about because the mind is shielding us from a big fear by feeding us a whole string of smaller ones. <br /><br />In addition to noticing what makes you afraid you should also try to notice what you avoid, as avoidance is one of the most common defences we use to protect ourselves from the feeling of fear.<br /><br />As you identify the fears, calibrate them on a scale of 0-10. For the ones that are 9 or 10 consider getting professional help. Ideally a fear that you rank at around 5 or 6 is one you could consider working on with support, and 3 or 4 on your own. Obviously these numbers are highly subjective, and different people will rank their fears very differently. My main message is to start with what you feel you can manage, and then gradually tackle the harder fears once you understand the technique.<br /><br />Having identified a fear, think about several situations where you could experiment with facing it, and rank these on the same scale 0-10. Try to find a way of approaching the fear gradually. So if approaching a barking dog gives you a fear level of 9, how about a puppy that's quiet, or looking at a photo of a dog that's across the other side of the room. Find something related to the fear that you can manage, perhaps with a fear level around 5.<br /><br />After finding a fear level that you can tolerate, practice facing that fear. You need to find a situation which is safe for you, where the only thing you need to worry about is the fear that you are focusing on, and which you can "switch off" if it's getting too difficult. <br /><br />Once you start, unless your fear gets out of hand try to keep going until you notice it subsiding. This will normally happen in a few minutes, but this may take half an hour or more. Make sure you breathe well while you're waiting for the fear to subside and relax the muscles in your body. If you find you're clenching your fists, for example, let them relax. This is where a partner can help, because they can spot the signs of tension and remind you to relax. <br /><br />Provided you were not already highly stressed, you will find that the fear subsides as the body gets used to tolerating it. Keep going until the fear level drops to around 1. Congratulate yourself on your success, have a break, then repeat the experiment. You should find the fear subsides more quickly this time. Once you no longer feel anxious you can move on to more challenging situations, but stop if you find yourself getting too tired. <br /><br />When you feel you've dealt with the fear, write up the whole experience in your own words. If possible post it on this site. to help others dealing with a similar fear. What worked for you, what didn't. This is about giving something back.<br /><br />In addition to fear you can work with shame, guilt and other negative emotions in a similar way.<br /><br />The process I've described is based on techniques called graduated exposure or systematic desensitisation. There are many books written about these techniques which you can refer to for more information.<br /></div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-55144709479039155802018-05-01T18:23:00.000+01:002018-05-23T21:01:41.719+01:00Bar Time<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
How does a Dom punish his or her submissive when they are thousands of miles apart and rarely, if ever meet? I describe here one of the methods I use. It's based on a similar principle to Corner Time, which is a frequently used form of mild punishment, involving standing in a corner for an extended period of time. <br />
<br />
Corner Time can be used as a "cooling off" process, or as a technique for creating anticipatory anxiety in advance of something even more unpleasant. What is described here is a variant of corner time which I call <b>Bar Time</b>. I prefer it because it requires a more submissive position (the typical bend-over-for-a-caning position), thereby having a more powerful psychological impact. It's also a lot more physically challenging - holding the position for any length of time can become quite painful and a real ordeal, so the severity of punishment entailed can be set by adjusting the duration.<br />
<br />
<b>Construction</b><br />
<br />
The Bar is essentially a horizontal metal pole set about two inches above floor level. I've found that the chrome-plated bars sold for constructing towel rails in DIY stores work well, along with the brackets used for supporting them. Choose the strongest rail you can find (such as 25mm/1inch), and get three brackets so that you can have a central support.<br />
<br />
If you have a fixed location for punishments you could fix the bar to the floor, but you are more likely to want to move it around, so get a solid wooden shelf (not chipboard) to attach the bar to. Rather than using screws which could be pulled out, I recommend nuts and bolts which going right through the shelf for strength. You will need to make a small recess or countersink on the underside of the shelf to avoid the bolt head scratching the floor.<br />
<br />
Measure the shelf and the pole so that you can set the brackets at the right width for the submissive to spread his/her legs. This is a matter of aesthetics - I prefer quite a wide spread, two feet or more. It's worth testing this out before beginning construction.<br />
<br />
I have posted some images of the hardware here: <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDH5Ckvd6sigZKzfW2_7ntoi3lR2X_KbJGtnlruG8QlugEAa-Tn7mNe9JTWKGtKxJifMKx6ZMPbWMk8kWz6wsB1IZeTQXbRLoSOovkFH-k8STGPhPfiYVrrqtfPt-fRNajfgackRZkhpwe/s1600/bar1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="152" data-original-width="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDH5Ckvd6sigZKzfW2_7ntoi3lR2X_KbJGtnlruG8QlugEAa-Tn7mNe9JTWKGtKxJifMKx6ZMPbWMk8kWz6wsB1IZeTQXbRLoSOovkFH-k8STGPhPfiYVrrqtfPt-fRNajfgackRZkhpwe/s1600/bar1.png" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXEAAcxTX8irS7bEhfPat7QjZRz6p-i0pEIKgEeWHf0ZOI_zgEMRH-v3u5wVWzwR_S5KRS5RAVJG-Z4IbqPwCNc2HgkRP7sWTL3pxP61CRRQLL896zm8_lgUdfn9QITiGwWwNETvu8Rg-R/s1600/bar2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="207" data-original-width="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXEAAcxTX8irS7bEhfPat7QjZRz6p-i0pEIKgEeWHf0ZOI_zgEMRH-v3u5wVWzwR_S5KRS5RAVJG-Z4IbqPwCNc2HgkRP7sWTL3pxP61CRRQLL896zm8_lgUdfn9QITiGwWwNETvu8Rg-R/s1600/bar2.png" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjH9kRWB6WGZ-uKVPyknPhSridaE0QZEX4JWibmHkpcYG8DJOI6yHR6LSGuU0pAlXN1HgmUku9G4ML8DFUqRZKgSJA8sZ5uHLDp2MQOJw1T8RFs47hUTT6ZdDhVnOR88bX385l3i8ozxLJ/s1600/bar3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="167" data-original-width="108" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjH9kRWB6WGZ-uKVPyknPhSridaE0QZEX4JWibmHkpcYG8DJOI6yHR6LSGuU0pAlXN1HgmUku9G4ML8DFUqRZKgSJA8sZ5uHLDp2MQOJw1T8RFs47hUTT6ZdDhVnOR88bX385l3i8ozxLJ/s1600/bar3.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<b>Usage</b><br />
<br />
The essence of using the bar is to go beyond it's functional purpose as a pole to hold a body in position, but to develop the psychological aspects so that it reinforces submissiveness. It's up to each Dom to define how the Bar is used, my principles are as follows:<br />
<br />
1. It is to be used naked, and getting naked is defined as removing everything that's not permanently attached to the body<br />
<br />
2. The submissive must not break position and let go of the bar until released. In this sense Bar Time is like self-enforced bondage. <br />
<br />
3. Release from the bar may be after a set time has elapsed, or on a word of command. Both release mechanisms may be used for different purposes, so the timed release may be used for a routine disciplinary ritual, whereas release on command may be used as a time-out or for cooling off process. Psychologically, not knowing when the release will come is much harder for the submissive.<br />
<br />
<b>Preparation</b><br />
<br />
The aim is to minimise distractions or the possibility of interruptions so that the submissive's attention is focused entirely on the practice. There should be no phones or other appliances to distract, the room should be cleared of all unnecessary objects and thoroughly clean. It should not be too warm.<br />
<br />
If using a timed release a timer that "pings" is better than a clock as it can be out of sight, otherwise the submissive will spend the whole time watching the clock.<br />
<br />
Prepare the body by getting naked, using the toilet, bathing or showering and do any other body preparation that the Dom requires. <br />
<br />
<b>Positioning</b><br />
<br />
The sub should stand with his/her toes underneath the bar and feet apart at the required spread. Note that for a mobile bar, the sub should be standing on the plank so that his/her weight holds the apparatus in position.<br />
<br />
I like a submissive to adopt a position with the legs straight and the back well hollowed, so that when holding the bar the body is bent like a hairpin rather than an arch. This may be hard and require practice for those who are not flexible. The difficulty of the position can be increased by requiring the sub to look forward rather than letting the head hang down, or rising on tiptoes.<br />
<br />
An alternative posture is the "paddling" position with the knees bent and the buttocks pushed backwards. <br />
<br />
Entering and leaving the position should be done as slowly, smoothly and gracefully as possible, although after a long period of bar time unwinding from the position may inevitably be difficult and not at all graceful.<br />
<br />
<b>Timing</b><br />
<br />
Using the bar for any length of time can be very challenging, unless the submissive is trained in yoga, ballet or some other discipline that makes the body flexible. For the average person, five minutes may be enough to begin with. A Dom should try it for themselves before setting a long time. Once it's clear that the submissive has mastered a short time, the duration can be ramped up. <br />
<br />
If the sub's muscles start shaking this may be a sign to stop. If the submissive is overweight, check that they are able to breathe properly. It may be necessary to raise the bar by fitting extra blocks of wood under the support brackets.<br />
<br />
<b>Instructions to the submissive</b><br />
<br />
When starting, practice emptying your mind of thoughts. There are many good meditation texts that will tell you how to do this, so they will not be repeated here. At the very least all thoughts connected with your mundane daily life should be eliminated, and if you cannot maintain a totally tranquil mind, then focus on thoughts of submission.<br />
<br />
When first using the bar you may experience all manner of negative emotions - you may feel ridiculous, humiliated, angry, resentful, ashamed. You must work through these feelings - acknowledge that you have them and maintain the position anyway - they will pass soon enough. <br />
<br />
Your body will feel uncomfortable at first as it gets used to holding the position for a length of time. You will feel all manner of aches and pains, you will want to itch and scratch. Overcome these distractions and maintain the position. <br />
<br />
At times you will feel exposed and vulnerable - this is both understandable and desirable. Your buttocks, genitals and anus are fully presented for the use of anyone who cares to take advantage of them. If you feel uncomfortable about this, remain in position until the feeling subsides. Remember that these parts of your body are beautiful, and in bending to the bar you are displaying them at their best.<br />
<br />
You may not break position until released, either by a timer or by command. If you are unsupervised and you break position, whatever the cause of the disturbance, you should end the practice, take a short break, re-enter the position and start again from the beginning. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-16284951432392936372018-04-29T17:59:00.000+01:002018-05-05T18:00:15.973+01:00Submissive service and health<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="content mls60 may_contain_youtubes">
As a Dom I'm very demanding in areas such as obedience,
discipline, self-development and service. It takes a lot of time and
mental effort to train a submissive, even if the relationship is purely
online, and in return I expect a sub to work as hard as possible at the
tasks I set.<br />
<br />
In order to achieve this level of dedication to service, a submissive
needs to be healthy, both mentally and physically. The sad truth is
that this is getting ever harder to achieve. I read some statistics
recently that if you include obesity and mental health issues, around
60% of Americans have a chronic illness of some sort. The UK is not far
behind. The most depressing statistic is that children are almost as
badly off for illnesses as adults, with diseases such as autism
increasing exponentially.<br />
<br />
I first became aware of the seriousness of this issue over a year ago
when my local medical centre ran a public meeting, and at that meeting
their presentation showed that 30% of their patients was chronically
ill. It immediately became apparent that this is the reason the National
Health Service is in crisis. It's not just about government cuts, they
seem to give more money to the NHS every year. The real problem is that
we're all too ill. We have too many health problems, and the fact that
they are chronic means that they never get better - we need the
prescriptions and the treatments month on month for the rest of our
lives.<br />
<br />
The explanation given by my local doctors was the explanation that
you will find in all official publications - it's a lifestyle issue - we
don't take enough exercise, we eat rubbish and we smoke and drink too
much. In other words it's us, the general public that are to blame.
According to this "diagnosis" of the problem we're all lazy slobs that
spend our lives eating doughnuts in front of the television.<br />
<br />
Except that it's not true. I'm surrounded by fitness fanatics that
take their diets and exercise regimes seriously, but are still
developing diabetes, arthritis and cancer.<br />
<br />
I too have been noticing my health deteriorating. It started slowly
at first, wounds not healing, strange rashes, aches and pains. At first I
put it down to ageing, but it got worse and worse until I'd reached the
point where I could hardly walk. I was hobbling round with a walking
stick, contemplating a future life in a wheelchair. I was sure there
must be something environmental at work, I'd been doing more physical
work than I'd done for years, and I didn't think my diet was that bad.<br />
<br />
It was pure chance that gave me the clue I needed. A friend posted an
article on facebook about Roundup, the commonly used weedkiller that's
advertised on TV for killing dandelions on your drive. What the article
described both shocked me and made me realise I'd found the answer.
Apparently for years farmers have been using Roundup and other similar
herbicides to spray crops like wheat just before harvesting. This
basically kills the crop, causing it to dry up and produce bigger seeds.
It's easier to harvest, and gets round the problem of crops not being
quite ripe. It also means that the bread and other foods produced from
these crops are full of herbicide residues.<br />
<br />
By this time I was so crippled with what I thought was arthritis that
I was stuck in an armchair for over a month, with plenty of time to do
research. As I dug deeper and deeper, not only was it obvious that I'd
found the reason for my deteriorating health, but that this was a much
bigger problem than I could possibly imagine. The science is too complex
to go into here, but what it demonstrates is that glyphosate, which is
the active ingredient of Roundup, must be one of the most dangerous
substances to human health on the planet. Yet we feed it to ourselves,
our babies, children and pets in almost everything we eat. It's
everywhere in the food chain, in meat, milk, cheese. It's in every plant
crop you can think of - wheat, oats, barley, alfalfa. It's in cooking
oils, and even in the pills we take for our ailments.<br />
<br />
One of the pieces of evidence that clinched glyphosate as the culprit
for me was that I found I could kill dandelions by peeing on them -
they shrivelled up just like in the TV ads.<br />
<br />
I've had to do three things to recover my health - and to be honest
I'm not sure if I will ever fully recover the use of my joints, but I'm
more mobile than I was. These things are:<br />
<ul>
<li>I've stopped buying any food from supermarkets. I now only buy food
that I know to be organically grown or at the very least grown without
the use of chemical sprays.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I eat a lot more (organic) yoghurt than I ever did before, because
glyphosate (Roundup) kills off the probiotic bacteria in our digestive
systems that we need to properly digest food.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I take a lot of mineral and vitamin supplements, because glyphosate strips these out of our bodies.</li>
</ul>
Little by little I'm recovering. I still have trouble walking, but
the pain I was experiencing in my muscles and joints has largely gone.
Altering my diet was hard, it's meant a lot of changes and learning how
to do things. I now bake my own bread a lot of the time, and I'm
starting to grow my own food. All convenience foods have gone - things
like breakfast cereals are some of the worst contaminated. When I take
supplements in capsule form I cut the end off the capsule and eat only
the contents, because the capsules themselves can be contaminated.
Eating out is virtually impossible.<br />
<br />
I've decided to write this to spread awareness of the problem. If
nothing else BDSM is much more rewarding if the participants are fit and
healthy. I know that when I was at my lowest point, my libido had
virtually disappeared, and just the struggle of getting to a munch made
it too hard to be enjoyable.<br />
<br />
As a Dom I've not really paid that much attention to what my
submissives eat, but from now on I'll be making it one of my first
priorities.</div>
</div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-48338111768699815322018-04-09T21:21:00.002+01:002018-04-09T21:21:57.382+01:00Alignment<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
If you've ever done the physics experiment where you magnetize a nail by stroking it with a bar magnet, you will have an idea of the power of alignment. The nail is made up of many regions called domains which are magnetic, but randomly oriented, so the magnetic effect cancels out. When you stroke the nail with a magnet, you cause the domains to become aligned, with the result that the nail now generates a magnetic field. <br /><br />The same can be true of people. A group of people working together who are not aligned will tend to cancel out each others' efforts, and produce very little useful result. If that same group of people can be aligned in a common direction much more can be achieved. If you have ever worked in a team which is out of alignment you will know the sheer frustration and hopelessness that results. By contrast, working with a group of people who are in the flow, like a group of jazz musicians improvising together, can be a joyous and creative experience. <br /><br />As an individual you can lack alignment too - if you have contradictory impulses and conflicting desires, you can end up achieving very little. The warring factions in your personality tend to cancel one another out. One of the effects of training as a submissive can be to highlight these contradictions so that they can be dealt with and resolved. <br /><br />An example of this can be found in punishment. You may have agreed with your dominant that certain infractions merit punishment, that it is beneficial to help you change and that it will do you good. Still when the time for punishment arrives and you are faced with the reality of a painful experience, your ego will do its best to avoid it. This is where the fantasy of submissiveness meets the reality, and you learn who you are and what you need. It's only when you've reached that moment of simultaneous wanting and dreading, complying and resisting, that you discover how conflicted are your desires. <br /><br />With that discovery opens the possibility of alignment - firstly with yourself, then with your Dominant, and potentially with a wider community. With this alignment comes the experience of inner peace, confidence and strength. You no longer need to worry, put on a false mask, or make yourself out to be something you're not. You are moving towards becoming whole and authentic.<br /><br /><br /> <br /> <br /> <br /></div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-72651641022048765052018-04-09T21:13:00.000+01:002018-04-09T21:13:19.572+01:00What about dominants?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
There are plenty of people who would like to see themselves as dominant, but finding someone who is good at it could be difficult, as people with the right qualities are rare. Submitting to a dominant is a major decision and one which needs to be taken with care. Someone new to submission can easily be swept along by the new discoveries, feeling accepted and being understood. However this can lead you into a relationship with the wrong person, which can be an unpleasant experience. <br /><br />There's no one-size-fits-all prescription here - you need to find a dominant that meets your needs, as well as you being the right person for the dominant. The list below contains my suggestions for things you might want to look out for, but you should take what feels important and add your own criteria too. In what follows I will be referring to a female submissive and male dominant, but most of the points are relevant whatever the genders involved. <br /><br /><b>Qualities desirable in a dominant: </b><br /> <br />He will have a high level of conscious awareness of his own psychological issues and the impact he has on others. I'm not saying that the dominant should be flawless, just that he knows about his own limitations and doesn't try to dump the blame for them on others. This awareness means that he will be able to distinguish between his own problems and yours. <br /> <br />He should have his ego under control. Someone who is arrogant, grandiose or a bully certainly does not. Someone who is self-pitying, has a chip on his shoulder or likes playing the victim is equally controlled by ego, just in a negative sense. A dominant with his ego under control should feel comfortable to be with, be secure in himself and will have no need to act defensively or to be right all the time. <br /> <br />He should be empathic and able to attune - in other words he should be able to "read" you. He takes care to understand you, your needs and your limitations. This doesn't mean that he will always give you what you want, far from it, but he will have an awareness of your capabilities and limitations. <br /><br />He will be able to challenge your edges firmly, constantly pushing you out of your comfort zone and stretching your capabilities, but without pushing you so far that you end up being traumatised. <br /> <br />He will be independent and free to act without more than the usual constraints that society imposes. If he needs to resort to deception or manipulation to achieve his aims, something isn't right. <br /><br />He will sets firm boundaries and expect the same from you. This will include not making himself too available to you - when he gives you his attention it will be quality time, but there will be limits and he will not appreciate you demanding more. <br /><br />He will want to be recompensed for the time and effort he dedicates to your instruction, but he will expect you to do this through giving your time and energy (lots of it), rather than money. If you feel financially exploited then something is wrong. If you feel that sometimes your life isn't your own because of the demands he makes on your time, this is probably a good sign that the dominance-submission dynamic is actually working. <br /> <br />He should be able to teach you new things and encourage you to widen your knowledge and skill base. He should also be willing to learn from you. <br /> <br />He will have a purpose for himself that inspires you and that you can align with. Note that a dominant who is pursuing a serious purpose may need many followers and may need to train several submissives at once. If this is the case you should be prepared to confront any jealousy issues that might arise. If you start to feel that you "own" the dominant or have a claim on him you have a mistaken impression of what submissiveness is. <br /> <br />He will be comfortable with power, but will use it to achieve his purpose for the greater good, rather than to benefit himself. While being a leader he is also a servant. <br /> <br />He will be a good communicator. He will set aside time to listen to you intensely, and you should expect to be closely questioned about personal and intimate matters. You should feel able to talk freely, without inhibition. <br /> <br />When he gives instructions they will be clear and precise, and he will not appreciate having to repeat himself. Don't be fooled by someone who has the "gift of the gab" - being able to talk well is highly prized in society, but it needs to be backed up by deeds that match the words. <br /> <br />He should be a strict disciplinarian who has no qualms about awarding punishment for infractions when appropriate. These will be as severe as necessary, which he will judge by the infraction itself and your ability to receive the discipline. <br /> <br />There will be a clear distinction between these punishments and any form of abuse. A punishment will feel beneficial, growth-enhancing and deserved, as opposed to an uncontrolled venting of anger, cruel or violent impulses. <br /> <br />Compassion should go hand in hand with the strictness. Provided you are doing the best you are capable of he should be happy. <br /> <br />You are unlikely to respect a dominant who can be manipulated, controlled, talked out of administering a punishment or persuaded to be too lenient. He will err on the side of being strict and severe, but without letting this turn into abuse. <br /><br /><b>Other ways of training as a submissive:</b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
Although I have assumed so far that you will be submitting to a dominant, and this is probably the most comprehensive way of being trained as a submissive, it is possible to practice submission in other ways: <br /></div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li> Submission to a mentor, guide, spiritual director or other authority figure; </li>
<li> Submission to a group, which can be a family, team, residential community; </li>
<li> Submission to an institution, such as a company, organization, university, regiment or religious order. </li>
</ul>
<br />Most of us are doing some of these already - for example if you work for a company a degree of obedience is expected if you are to retain your job. The difficulty with these kinds of submission in practice is that they do not provide the kind of direct control that a dominant can when it comes to enforcing discipline to change behaviour. <br /><br />A combination that can work is submission to a dominant leader who in turn is a servant to a higher level grouping. This is the idea of the servant-leader, who attracts followers through common dedication to a worthwhile purpose. <br /></div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-14570711661039610902018-04-08T12:28:00.000+01:002018-04-09T21:15:45.327+01:00Training<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div>
As with any other skill, submissiveness is developed by training. Even those who have a naturally submissive personality can have this improved by experiencing an appropriately demanding training regime. It's very hard to be sufficiently strict with oneself to achieve the necessary development of personality.<br />
<br />
Therefore, although I've been discussing submitting to Gaia as a goal, in order to achieve this we first of all have to begin by submitting to an actual physical human, a dominant. In this and other posts I will describe the dominant as male, but this is not necessarily the case. Whatever gender, the dominant needs to have an understanding of what you are aiming to achieve, and to have the humility to recognise that serving them is just a step along the path for you, and that eventually they will need to surrender their dominance of you to a higher power.<br />
<br />
This is a big ask, because training a submissive represents a big commitment in time for the dominant, and he will want to be sure you are the right person who is ready and available to receive that training. Ideally the dominant will be on the same path himself, so in serving him you are supporting him in his work for Gaia.<br />
<br />
Effective training will change you in ways that cannot be predicted. The dominant you approach will want to be sure you are psychologically and physically strong enough to receive his training and benefit from it, rather than suffering adverse affects. Dominants will have their own process for vetting people who approach them, which might include asking you to write an application, answer a series of very searching questions, or complete a series of tasks to demonstrate obedience. <br />
<br />
Below I list some questions that you should ask yourself before requesting training: <br />
<br />
<b>Your capacity to do the training </b><br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Am I genuinely available to undertake this training? Do I have the time? Am I sufficiently free from entanglements and responsibilities? Will the other people in my life support me or oppose me? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Do I have the commitment? Do I have the will to keep going when feeling resistance, hostility or demotivation? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Do I have the psychological capacity? Am I mentally and emotionally stable enough to handle this? Am I mature enough? Do I have any concerns about my mental state? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Am I physically fit enough? Have I any medical conditions that could put me at risk? Have I abused drugs, alcohol, other substances? Am I addicted to anything, whether substances or processes?</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>How will I cope with rejection? punishment? criticism? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Dominants often have more than one submissive in training at any one time, as well as being served by those who have completed their training. How will I feel about this? Will I be able to control my jealousy and envy? How will I feel about obeying, or being punished by, another submissive, rather than the dominant? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Training calls for extraordinary levels of openness on the part of the submissive. Am I capable of being totally honest to the dominant and his other submissives? Disclosing my deepest secrets, shameful episodes, guilt, insecurities and flaws? Can I be open about my sexuality? Can I be honest about my negative thoughts?</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Is there anything in my history that could impede me? Have I committed any criminal offences or been prosecuted? Have I harmed anyone, created any enemies, accumulated debts or done anything that may come back to haunt me later?</li>
</ul>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Answering yes to any of these last questions does not exclude you from proceeding with the training - what matters is your openness, honesty, and willingness to confront difficult issues. On the other hand if you are dishonest at this stage you are automatically excluding yourself - you will find it much more difficult to develop genuine submissiveness if you start off on a false basis. <br />
<b><br />Your motivation </b><br />
<br />
Reflect on the following questions: </div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Why do I want to do this training? What do I want to get from it? What changes do I want to make to myself? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>What makes me want to be submissive? How do I know that I'm submissive, what experiences demonstrate this?</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>What do I expect from a dominant? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>What am I prepared to give back? How much time, effort, energy and resources am I willing to commit to being successful?</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>How serious is my wish to discover my true nature? Am I willing to help others do this too?</li>
</ul>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Your acceptance </b></div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Am I really willing to be obedient?</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>To accept discipline and punishment?</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>To be open, honest and truthful? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>To sacrifice and serve? </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li> Am I willing for my lifestyle to be completely changed by the experience? To take risks and step outside my comfort zone? To overcome my limiting beliefs and attempt things I never believed I was capable of doing?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b><br />What will submissiveness training teach me? </b><br /><br />In addition to the changing your attitude to the planet, there are many qualities that can be developed that will help you become a better person and a better servant to the world. The precise nature of what you will learn by training as a submissive will depend on the requirements of whoever is teaching you (your dominant), however I would expect a good training to give you some or all of the following accomplishments: <br /> </div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Become the best you are capable of, through being constantly challenged to develop new strengths and skills </li>
<li>Increase your confidence in your ability to cope under pressure in difficult situations </li>
<li>Develop the capacity to be a reliable supporter of a trusted leader, and know the joy that comes through giving 100% to a shared purpose </li>
<li>Learn the benefits of self-discipline and obedience, enabling you to stretch yourself beyond the limitations of your ego </li>
<li>Become liberated from shame, guilt and destructive behaviour patterns </li>
<li>Learn to welcome discipline and correction, as you discover how it helps you to overcome fear and other limiting emotions. </li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></div>
</div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-71897838145425210362018-04-05T06:28:00.000+01:002018-04-07T06:29:08.729+01:00What makes a good submissive?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
The following are my views on the qualities that make a good submissive. This may seem like an extensive list, but it is not something which has to be achieved all at once. It is a set of aspirations which submissive training can support you in achieving, although the effort required to achieve them will be yours. If you are not inspired by the thought of achieving many of these qualities then you are probably not seeking to become a submissive. <br />
<br />
<b>Obedience</b> - a fundamental requirement but not easy to achieve. A dominant's demands are designed to stretch you, to make you transcend your limitations. Obeying will take you outside of your comfort zone over and over again, into a state of surrender. One you place yourself in service to Gaia the tests to your obedience do not become any less, it it just that knowing what is required of you is not so obvious and requires intuition.<br />
<br />
<b>Discipline</b> - a submissive is both self-disciplined and accepting of external discipline. Discipline takes many forms, from the mild to the severe depending on the need. Punishments include, but are not limited to, physical correction that causes pain. This may seem shocking to some, and tends to get confused with abuse. The difference is that submission is voluntary, and consent can be withdrawn at any time if discipline tips over into abuse. Pain is an unavoidable part of being human, but instead of numbing it with drugs, submissives learn to use it to increase their consciousness, improve their relationships, and purify the Field around them. <br />
<br />
<b>Honesty</b> – the idea of lying to or withholding information from your dominant or a fellow submissive should be unthinkable. If you take your desire to serve and submit seriously you should also avoid any type of occupation where dishonesty or deception may be required. This is easier said that done, in a world which is more and more built on falsehood and denial of the truth. <br />
<br />
<b>Openness</b> – a submissive strives to be open with her body, feelings and her mind. She holds no secrets from her dominant, her community, her fellow submissives. When giving feedback to others she strives to be honest but not hurtful. She is open and truthful about her emotions, but does not inflict them on others. She accepts monitoring of her actions, activities and behaviour. <br />
<br />
<b>Reliability</b> - a leader must be able to put complete trust in his submissive and to depend on her totally. Knowing thoroughly her strengths and weaknesses, capabilities and talents, he knows that if he sets her a task it will be carried out, however much difficulty and discomfort she may have to overcome. In order to be reliable she will have to develop other qualities - courage, resourcefulness, self-control, determination, punctuality, patience, and many others. <br />
<br />
<b>Good-natured</b> - a submissive's aim is always to make others feel good, through qualities such as gentleness, compassion, respect, consideration and thoughtfulness towards others. However she will not allow her good nature to be taken advantage of in ways which would be detrimental to her dominant. Being obedient to him, she knows how to gently refuse others without giving offence. She can deal constructively with negative emotions. She can experience anger without subjecting others to it – she knows that it is her problem to deal with and no-one else’s. If she experiences fear she either overcomes it herself or enlists others to help her deal with it. Other words that describe a submissive include: positive, good-natured, non-critical, judgemental, even tempered, emotionally controlled, good listener. <br />
<br />
<b>Willpower and effort</b> - a submissive will apply all her effort to a task, be resourceful in overcoming obstacles, with the aim of producing results not excuses. However she learns to work in a skilful way which is variously called "going with the flow", "effortless effort" or in Chinese "Wu Wei". In this way doing tasks, however mundane, are no longer stressful or feel like hard work, but become graceful and enjoyable. She knows when to rest from a piece of work when her concentration is flagging, but because she has resolved her inner conflicts her productivity is phenomenal. <br />
<br />
<b>Skills</b> - a submissive is constantly striving to improve herself so that she may better fulfil her dominant's wishes. She treats her skills and abilities as a way to serve more effectively, and is not driven by praise, recognition or the need for success. She may not know what will be required next, so she motivates herself to acquire any skill she can in case it turns out to be valuable. <br />
<br />
<b>Simplicity</b> - simplifying your lifestyle is not only good practice in submissiveness, it is also good for the planet and a good preparation for the adaptations we will all have to make to reduce our environmental impact. And from a submissive perspective an extravagant lifestyle is inappropriate - you cannot embrace submissiveness while driving round in an expensive car, taking extravagant holidays, making frequent flights for personal pleasure, employing a maid or spending quantities of money on clothes or gadgetry. <br />
<br />
<b>Resilience</b> - this includes qualities such as fitness, tolerance of pain and discomfort, emotional strength, fearlessness and courage. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
These are all subjects I hope to expand on as I continue to develop this blog.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-4184990424855216662018-04-04T11:02:00.000+01:002018-04-06T11:16:08.817+01:00Why submissiveness?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
To recap on some recent posts I've made, I'm talking about our planet, which I'm calling Gaia, as an intelligent, living being that provides us with everything we need to exist. If you can accept this, then it seems obvious to me that submissiveness is the only appropriate attitude to adopt towards her. Certainly the arrogance with which mankind has treated her can no longer be sustained; it will lead to our extinction. <br />
<br />
Therefore I conclude that submissiveness is an excellent grounding for the way we should behave towards our planet. Once we start to make this shift, it seems that the Gaia responds, and we start to gain access to our higher consciousness. <br />
<br />
However, turning a desire for submission into it's practical reality is not a simple task - for most of us our conditioning pulls us in the opposite direction. It therefore takes training to reorient the personality away from ego-based selfishness towards humility and service. It's hard to keep up the will to achieve this on your own, as the conditioning we experience as we grow up is extremely powerful, and tends to blind us to our own deficiencies. To develop submissiveness requires the guidance of someone who understands the path, knows the pitfalls, and can point out when you are going off track. Such people are rare. <br />
<br />
In practice it's difficult to learn to be submissive to such an apparently abstract entity as Gaia, which is why most people will start by training with a real person, a dominant, mentor or guide who stands in for the higher level. Once training has developed your personality to the point where submission is automatic and self-organised, you can go it alone. However, although submissive people will develop their own connection directly with Gaia, they tend to be strongly drawn to relationships, so will look for situations where they can help other people, through acts of service. <br />
<br />
I am anticipating difficult times ahead, as the unsustainable nature of the lifestyle most of us follow is brought home to us ever more clearly. There will be a need for people to form themselves into teams in order to survive, and a team of submissive people under the leadership of a suitably insightful dominant will be able to achieve much that the lone individual cannot. You may also want to consider becoming a servant-leader or guide and helping others in turn find their submissive nature. <br />
<br />
In my experience the desire to be submissive and the ability to live submissively at all times are two very different things. This is where a dominant, and the discipline that he or she provides, becomes essential. </div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-75006503122156889822018-04-03T10:41:00.000+01:002018-04-06T11:15:48.028+01:00Blessed are the meek<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This is a phrase that I hear more often than I would expect, given that the people I mix with don't tend to spend a lot of time discussing the gospels. It tends to make me prick my ears up, as if I'm being alerted to something important. I'll let others debate whether the phrase has the same meaning as "blessed are the submissives", but that's how I'm choosing to interpret it.<br />
<br />
People with submissive qualities often get a raw deal in our society. In a culture that values independence and being extrovert, submissiveness is often mistaken for weakness and subservience. I see it differently - submission requires strength, self-discipline and determination. Submissive individuals are excellent followers and provide loyal support to leaders they believe in. They value good relationships, honesty and plain speaking. They work hard and take pride in producing good work. They do not look for power, celebrity status or applause - they are happy in supporting roles behind the scenes, making sure that others can achieve their best work. <br />
<br />
For people who have a natural inclination towards submissiveness, embracing and developing it is a very healing process. However more recently I have discovered that submissiveness does more than provide healing, it actually opens the door to higher levels of consciousness. I am now seeing the ultimate goal to be submission to the Field - the conscious intelligence that pervades all of space and regulates our planet, the solar system, galaxy and universe. As I discussed in a previous post, I'm looking particularly at submission to Gaia, our planetary Field, but in so doing the universal Field is never far away. <br />
<br />
I'm convinced that achieving this level of submissiveness is one of the keys to attaining higher consciousness. I don't know if submission is the only route to this goal, I'm sure there must be other techniques that work, but I imagine they all involve getting our egos out of the way and overcoming the addictions and neuroses that tend to block us. <br />
<br />
I used to be worried by some of the labels that our culture applies to people who openly practice submissiveness - labels such as "kinky", "perverted" and "deviant". Unfortunately the psychiatric profession has been one of the worst offenders in stigmatising people who explore unconventional relationships. I've now come to see that this stigma is part of an old paradigm - based on a culture that has brought our planet to the brink of disaster. <br />
<br />
People who explore alternative forms of sexuality and relationships are truly pioneers, they should be applauded for taking the risks that the majority won't take. Like pioneers they work in uncharted territory, which can be hazardous. But unless we as a species find better ways of relating and managing our sexuality and aggression, then wars, famines and population crises will continue. I now see the practice of submissiveness as one of they key steps towards developing the new consciousness which is necessary to survive the transition that is fast approaching. </div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-55079072882044273762018-04-02T10:09:00.000+01:002018-04-06T10:11:38.764+01:00Gaia<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
In this new series of posts I'm looking at how dominance and submission might be used in service. In particular I've been talking about how we might serve “the planet”, but I find that description is a bit too abstract and impersonal for my purpose. As I've said already, we need to stop seeing our planet as an inanimate object, and begin to regard it as an intelligent, living being, the source of all life that supports and nourishes us. Doesn't this being have a name?<br />
<br />
I'm inclined to steer clear of names that are too strongly associated with religions, such as God, Brahman, Yaweh, and suchlike. They have too much history invested in them, they carry too much baggage, and the fact that we're familiar with them tends to make us believe that we know what they mean.<br />
<br />
I'm also cautious about names that appear to refer to the universe as a whole. These days I hear many people talking about getting a message from "The Universe" or "The Field" - I've done it myself at times. The problem I have with concepts on a universal scale is that according to physics as we currently understand it, information cannot travel any faster than the speed of light. Now the speed of light is pretty fast, but equally the universe is extremely big, so big in fact that it's beyond human comprehension. It would appear that to get a message from one side of it to the other would take many billions of years, and that's not a timescale that's going to lead to very productive conversations.<br />
<br />
To keep things simple, I'm going to restrict myself to considering just this one planet, Earth, and look at how someone who considers themselves to be submissive might approach serving this entity. From this point on I'm going to use the name Gaia for the planet. It's not a perfect name, it also carries some baggage, but it's what I plan to use until a better name turns up.<br />
<br />
Gaia is the name of the mother goddess from Greek mythology, the personification of the Earth. It is also the name chosen by James Lovelock for his theory of planetary self-regulation. There are problems with both of these origins. I do not see the planet as primarily female, as it gives rise to both male and female forms in balance. So when I use the term Gaia, you need to find a way of imagining a being that is androgynous - both male and female. <br />
<br />
The problem with Lovelock's Gaia is that for him it's a scientific theory, a system of dynamic feedback loops, not a living being. You will need to keep that in mind if you read about Gaia in the scientific sense: I'm talking about something much more personal than that. <br />
<br />
Not only does Gaia transcend gender (although I'll be calling her “she” for convenience), you will also need to hold her as a being of many parts. We humans are tiny parts of her, so are animals and plants, and it's useful to think of local versions of her in specific places. <br />
<br />
Gaia herself is also part of a bigger whole, which I will be calling “The Field”. I could call it God, but as I've already explained that name carries a lot of baggage. If Gaia is the conscious intelligence of Earth, the Field is the intelligence that pervades all of space and regulates everything including our planet, the solar system, our galaxy and the whole universe. So although ultimately your submissiveness is offered to the Field, for the purposes of these notes I'm discussing submitting to Gaia. </div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-18011193089205915502018-03-31T21:36:00.000+01:002018-04-06T09:51:11.090+01:00Who are these ideas for?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
I'm very aware that my ideas are not for everyone, I've had plenty of feedback over the years that confirms this. It therefore world seem to be a good idea, and save everybody's time, if I spell out who they are aimed at.<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>The content of this blog might appeal to you if you recognise a strong element of natural submissiveness in your personality and want to develop that in order to serve our planet. </li>
<li>It may also appeal to you if you already have experience of BDSM but want to take it to a deeper, more meaningful level. You will have already seen the beneficial effects submission has on your personality and relationships, and want to help spread those benefits to others. Having said that, I also want keep this space open to you if you have not been active in any sort of "scene", as this is by no means essential.</li>
<li>You may be drawn to self-sacrifice, and be looking for guidance on how to go about this. </li>
<li>You may be attracted to spiritual service, but find yourself looking for a tougher, harder edge than the “love and light” that you find in many approaches. </li>
<li>You may be drawn to the punishment element of submissiveness, perhaps in response to feeling guilty or ashamed at aspects of your personality. Perhaps you recognise that submitting to discipline will help you overcome certain unhelpful character traits that you can't control, such as addictions. Those who overcome their own personality limitations also serve humanity. </li>
<li>You may be aware of your own impact on the planet, how your consumption has helped to put nature out of balance, and wish to atone. </li>
<li>You may be finding that your higher consciousness is opening, you are starting to see the planet as a higher being deserving of our worship, and be looking for a structure to help you make sense of these experiences. </li>
<li>You may have none of these drivers, but you recognise that your way of relating and sexuality is different from the norm. You may not be sure that submissiveness is right for you, but be willing to give it a try. </li>
</ul>
<br />
All I ask is that you keep an open mind. There is much in here that the average person, steeped in the materialism, selfishness and entitlement of our 21st century western civilisation, will find repellent. If you read on you will be invited to make sacrifices, experience pain, humble yourself, and perform rituals that your ego will find pointless. You will find very little here that is salacious, there are plenty of other books that offer that. </div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-5490351729887112862018-03-30T21:23:00.000+01:002018-04-06T09:49:59.970+01:00Living at a critical time<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
It's over ten years since I last posted to this blog, and a
lot has happened in that time, both personally for me and globally for
humanity.<br />
<br />
I feel that we now live at a critical time.
Our civilisation faces multiple threats, of which climate change is the
one that gives me the most cause for urgency, but there are many more.
Anyone who isn't disturbed by these threats either hasn't looked at the
evidence, of which there is plenty, or is in denial. I'm interested in
talking to those people who are not in denial, who have looked at the
evidence, but may be struggling to know what to do about it.<br />
<br />
<br />
This
is where my fundamental interest in dominance and submission comes into
play. It's something I've always been drawn to, for as long as I can
remember, but I've not been particularly interested in using it as a
form of "play". It's felt much more serious than that, and in the ten
years since I last posted I've come to realise why.<br />
<br />
Although
the crisis that is unfolding before our eyes promises to be difficult,
it also represents a fantastic opportunity, in that it heralds the
development of a new level in human consciousness. For those who are
willing to work at this, their likelihood of surviving the crisis will
be greatly enhanced. I've been working on the idea that submissiveness
is the key to the consciousness changes that are needed. To summarise
some of the conclusions I have come to:<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>We need to stop seeing our planet as an inanimate object, and begin
to regard it as an intelligent, living being, the source of all life
that supports and nourishes us. </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>If we treat the planet as such, it makes sense to approach it from a condition of humility, reverence and awe. </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>We have already tried abusing the planet with our arrogance,
disrespect and exploitation, and this approach threatens to drive us to
extinction. </li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>The right way to approach the planet is through an attitude of deep submissiveness. If we can do that our needs will be met.</li>
</ul>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>I have come to see those who are submissive, and the dominants who
train and discipline them, as vital to the future of human civilisation.
If you are one of these you are at the leading edge, you are a pioneer,
you are willing to sacrifice yourself to serve the planet. </li>
</ul>
At this point I need to make it clear that I've not found many
people who share these ideas, let alone being interested in helping me
develop them. Therefore what I'm writing here is exploratory, I'm hoping
that by putting them out into the world others will be attracted who
think in a similar way. You should not take what I say as fixed truth -
there's no such thing. I'm expecting these ideas to evolve and change as
I go on, although I think they have a core validity. </div>
Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-71116885534934318272007-12-28T22:19:00.000+00:002007-12-28T22:26:12.771+00:00Slaves<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><br />In corresponding with some of the submissives who send me e-mails, I have noticed a disturbing pattern - the number of women who are getting emotionally wounded by prematurely attempting to become “slaves”.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Now it’s important to get the terminology right, and I don’t know what other Doms and subs mean precisely when they talk about Master / slave relationships. For me becoming a “slave” represents an extremely intense and challenging form of D/s relationship, one in which the slave surrenders a significant proportion of her freedom, independence, rights and control to the Master. To me, this is something which should only be attempted by someone who has been thoroughly trained as a submissive by a Dom who knows what he is doing, and who has spent a considerable period of time exploring her submissiveness. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Some of those who I hear from haven’t even reached the point where I would regard them as submissive, let alone ready to become slaves. Some are surprised to learn that training is even required – surely it is enough just to want to obey a Dominant? To make matters clearer, I have started using a new term – “compliant” – to describe someone who has discovered within herself the desire to be submissive, but has not yet been trained to the point where I would describe her as “a submissive”. Between discovering you are compliant and becoming a submissive there has to be a period of training.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">There also seem to be many misconceptions about this, as if training is nothing more than learning a few sexual tricks and how many sugars the Dom likes in his tea. So let me set out my view of training. Training for what? If I distil out the qualities that define a submissive for me, they would include obedience, truthfulness and openness. There could be others, but these three seem to subsume the rest. Obedience, truthfulness and openness – easy words to write, but amazingly difficult to achieve in practice.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Let me illustrate this with an example around obedience. A Dom wants to be able to give an instruction, hear the sub say “Yes, Sir”, and have it carried out. So far so good. Suppose my instruction is for the sub to collect a book from my favourite bookshop in </span><span lang="EN-GB">Manchester</span><span lang="EN-GB">. This might involve her making several train journeys, getting the appropriate buses or trams, finding the shop, buying the book, and returning the way she came, What if she’s afraid of trains, shops, getting lost or getting mugged in Manchester? If that fear is too intense she will be totally incapable of carrying out the instruction.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Even if a sub has no trouble carrying out the book-buying task, the chances are there will be another one she will baulk at. It might involve a social fear, a body image problem, an addiction, a fear of heights, animals, open spaces, being alone, or even being silent. Becoming obedient involves confronting <a href="http://painhealer.blogspot.com/2007/06/edges.html">edges</a> – something I have written about in a previous post. Until she deals with her edges a compliant woman cannot be really submissive.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">A similar problem occurs with truthfulness – a remarkably difficult thing to achieve consistently. Lying to cheat, defraud or gain advantage is relatively rare, but deceiving in order to avoid hurting someone, to avoid being disliked, to avoid conflict or rejection – these forms of untruthfulness are extremely common and difficult to stop.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Openness about feelings is another essential characteristic in a sub, because it allows a Dom to gauge what she needs and treat her accordingly. If a sub is out of touch with her feelings, or insists on putting a brave face on, smiling when she’s angry, saying she’s “fine” when she’s actually upset – these may deceive the Dom into believing that all is well when it’s not. Yet achieving openness requires a lot of hard work – overcoming shame, developing self-knowledge, letting go of the need to look good and being willing to reveal disliked aspects of her personality.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">In my definition of submissive training, a Dom constantly pushes a compliant woman to confront her edges until she overcomes them, making it possible for her to become obedient, truthful and open. So, if a “compliant” gives herself as a slave to a Master, she’s very quickly going to come up against her edges and fail to be obedient, truthful; or open. It’s not that she isn’t willing – she just can’t do it. Punishment won’t make it any better – she needs training. After several attempts, either she gives up or the Master sends her away. She feels a failure, or worse, because she can’t understand why she can’t fulfil the demands of the Master – she feels that she’s a “bad” slave.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The Master-slave dynamic doesn’t suit everyone. It is <u>one</u> possible way of living a D/s lifestyle, but it isn’t the only way. Nor is it the ultimate pinnacle of submissive achievement, the “gold standard” by which all other D/s relationships are to be measured. I would suggest that it is possible for a woman to be independent and self-sufficient and still be submissive. If such a woman entered into a Master/slave relationship she might find the conflicts intolerable. There is enormous satisfaction and intensity to be found in being submissive, without necessarily having to be a slave.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">To summarise, if you are compliant and new to D/s, take your time understanding your own submissive needs first, find a good Dom to train you to become properly submissive (not an easy task in itself), and only then think about whether being a slave is right for you.</span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03091378388489145258noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-10721485772813778872007-10-14T11:04:00.000+01:002007-10-14T11:07:09.080+01:00My Heart Belongs to Daddy<span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span><span lang="EN-GB">This post is on a subject that I have been trying to write about for many months, but until now I’ve not been able to get it clear enough in my mind to set down. It is about what happens when the relationship between a daughter and her father gets distorted in childhood, and I have seen the effects in my therapy work in a large number of my female clients.<span style=""> </span>I suspect that it afflicts many submissive women, and it may indeed be the primary driving force behind many D/s relationships between a male Dom and female sub.</span> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">What makes the father-daughter wound so hard to describe is that the consequences in the life of the daughter can be as varied as they are far reaching. Relationships, career, social life, home life, all can be affected. There may be uncontrolled rage or helpless timidity, fears and panics or iron-clad defences, frigidity or sexual addiction.<span style=""> </span>There may be a relentless searching for the right relationship, or a life of lonely isolation.<span style=""> </span>Almost any psychological polarity can get played out as a result of this wound.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The problem begins in ways which are equally diverse, although it all amounts to the same thing – the unavailability of the father to help his daughter grow up.<span style=""> </span>For some fathers the only role he plays in his daughter’s life is to impregnate her mother. Some leave when the child is young, some die, some fall victim to illness, alcoholism, mental health problems, some are involved in other relationships or get stuck permanently at the office.<span style=""> </span>Some fathers may be physically present, but are emotionally unable to be the positive representative of masculinity that the daughter needs to develop.<span style=""> </span>Other fathers are all too present but in the wrong way, in that his needs take priority and hers are neglected.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I can describe the origins of this problem, and I have seen many examples of the end result, but the precise mechanism of what occurs in between is still elusive to me.<span style=""> </span>What appears to happen is that a fragment of the daughter’s personality never grows up, leaving an abandoned and needy child behind as the rest of her gets on with life.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">To get an image of how this works dynamically, imagine a house representing the daughter’s world and personality. I will call her Jane.<span style=""> </span>In the house, hidden away so that no-one ever sees her, is a child who I’ll call Sarah.<span style=""> </span>Although Sarah is never seen she can make her presence felt, often by the negative emotion she creates or the damage she causes.<span style=""> </span>When Sarah is in the room Jane may feel unaccountable fear, or rage, the need to drink or slash her body.<span style=""> </span>If Sarah mainly appears in the bedroom she may inhibit Jill’s sexuality completely, or fill her with inexplicable sexual passion, and any man who shares the room may find himself struck down with impotence, or filled with aggression and violence.<span style=""> </span>If Sarah appears in the kitchen Jane may suddenly need to binge on chocolate and ice cream.<span style=""> </span>In the bathroom she may force Jane to spend hours in front of a mirror, examining blemishes on her face that are virtually invisible to everyone else.<span style=""> </span>Sarah may reveal herself through smashed objects, accidents, lost friends and crazy relationships.<span style=""> </span>Not that she always has to be dramatic, sometimes it is unaccountable moods of emptiness and depression that show she is around.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Occasionally a father-figure of a man will appear, the type of person for whom Sarah is permanently searching.<span style=""> </span>When this happens she shifts into high gear and will use every resource she has to get from this man the thing that she needs, which is fundamentally the key that unlocks the door to womanhood.<span style=""> </span>Despite the phallic imagery the key is not usually sexual – rather she needs someone to believe in her, to admire her and hold her in<span style=""> </span>a non-sexual way, and to be proud of her.<span style=""> </span>All too often the man doesn't have the key to help Sarah, because what happens naturally in childhood under good conditions is much more difficult to achieve as an adult.<span style=""> </span>The man may be overwhelmed by the strength of Sarah's needs and demands, he may be confused by the mercurial changes of mood that occur in Jane as Sarah comes and goes, or he may just take advantage of her neediness and then leave.<span style=""> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">If he is strong enough to set some firm boundaries which help Jane and Sarah to feel safe, he may then find himself cast in the role of the Good Father.<span style=""> </span>This indeed feels good while it lasts - every man loves to be admired and looked up to, but this situation is inherently unstable. <span style=""> </span>He would do well to remember that it is not his personal qualities that are so admired, but the fact that he stands for a psychological archetype of enormous power.<span style=""> </span>Carl Jung used the term ‘numinous’ to refer to the other-worldly, supernatural feelings that arise when an archetype is activated. The man becomes larger than life in Jane’s eyes, as her own feminine archetypes respond to his masculinity.<span style=""> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Sooner or later the man will give cause for disappointment, which is inevitable given the strength of the idealisation and adoration that Sarah has for him.<span style=""> </span>The illusion is shattered, the hero is deposed from his pedestal and experiences the full force of her frustration.<span style=""> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Many men beat a speedy retreat at this point, an experience which is all to familiar to Sarah.<span style=""> </span>However, if he can tolerate the anger and keep his nerve through the recriminations, it will slowly abate.<span style=""> </span>After all the anger is no more directed at him personally than the idealisation was – it is Sarah’s rage at her Bad Father that is being expressed.<span style=""> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Provided there is a strong enough relationship with adult Jane the crisis will pass.<span style=""> </span>Then he may be privileged to watch as Sarah slowly emerges from the shadows, tentatively letting herself be seen.<span style=""> </span>Bit by bit she becomes ever more stable and solid, ultimately joining together with the adult Jane to form a new personality who is more than just a merging of the two but a completely new individual – perhaps we can call her Sarah-Jane.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">The process that I describe here is only one of many variants, and the course it takes will depend ultimately on individual personalities.<span style=""> </span>It is slow and perilous, it can take years and there are many pitfalls.<span style=""> </span>It is the process that Jung called Individuation.<span style=""> </span>There is no guarantee of success.<span style=""> </span>Some therapists can help, some can’t – some have the knowledge and personal qualities to facilitate this process, some don’t, some even refuse to acknowledge its existence.<span style=""> </span>Mostly the outcome depends on the relationships that are formed along the way, and the degree of consciousness that can be maintained by everyone involved.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-8935407563131047532007-10-07T19:37:00.000+01:002007-10-07T19:40:02.142+01:00Relationships<span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span> <span style="" lang="EN-GB">When I read the blogs and websites of D/s practitioners I see a huge amount of experimentation going on into diverse forms of relationship.<span style=""> </span>I regard the people who try out these relationships as true pioneers, boldly going where the less adventurous don’t dare.<span style=""> </span>In my opinion these pioneers are doing mankind a service, if current divorce rates are anything to go by.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p>I’m not indiscriminately glorifying D/s relationships, because I’m sure that they have their share of problems.<span style=""> </span>In any situation where there is experimentation there has to be failure.<span style=""> </span>But if we are to do anything about reducing the human misery that unhappy and failed marriages cause, it must be worth reviewing what these pioneers are doing to see what might be helpful to others.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p>The following is an incomplete list of some of the dysfunctional relationships I see on a daily basis:<o:p></o:p></span></p> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships that are unduly restrictive, forcing one partner or both to suppress a significant part of their personality, forgo a vital interest or limit their contact with other people.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships that are beset by rows and arguments, often frequent and destructive, which do not resolve anything but continue to erupt.<span style=""> </span>There are many, many causes of rows, including poor communication, clashes of values, differences in goals, growing apart, different sexual needs, unfairness in the division of responsibility, and external pressures.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships that are tyrannical through unrealistic expectations.<span style=""> </span>These can often be expressed with the word “must” – I must keep my partner happy, I must keep the house spotless, I must earn enough to send the kids to private school, I must provide for foreign holidays, I must be nice to his/her parents however horrible they are to me.<span style=""> </span>Some therapists call this “musterbation”.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships that are sexless, either through incompatibility, suppressed negative feelings or sheer boredom.<span style=""> </span>Often an unexpected sexual affair will appear “out of the blue” to shake up these relationships, but some don’t survive the strain.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships where one partner attempts to control the other, through jealousy or fear of being abandoned.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships which are stuck in a “game”, usually destructive.<span style=""> </span>There are too many types of game to list here, but a classic old book by Eric </span><st1:place><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Berne</span></st1:place><span style="" lang="EN-GB"> called “The Games People Play” describes them well.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships where one partner has never recovered from the ending of a previous relationship.<span style=""> </span>It might be a childhood sweetheart who slipped away, or a loved one who died.<span style=""> </span>The grieving person is never fully available to the new partner, who is left feeling second best.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Relationships where there is a fundamental incompatibility – it could be social class, religion, nationality, level of education or diverging goals.<span style=""> </span>Some people start close and grow apart, others were never compatible from the outset.<span style=""> </span>I have seen more than one couple trying to make a relationship work when they don’t even speak the same language!<o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">What can these D/s pioneers teach us about relationships that might help to overcome some of these problems?<span style=""> </span>I don’t know enough to be authoritative, but these are some of my observations:<o:p></o:p></span></p> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">There is an emphasis on exploring all aspects of sexuality, trying out new forms of sex, overcoming shame and inhibition.<span style=""> </span>There is acceptance of widely varying forms of sexual expression.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">There is a willingness to fantasise, to openly express fantasies and to try them out.<span style=""> </span>Fantasies not only enhance sex, they are also a wellspring of creativity.<span style=""> </span>People in touch with their fantasy lives seem to be a lot happier.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">There can be an openness to exploring relationships with more than one partner.<span style=""> </span>I have been most impressed by the number of people who recognise a need in their partner that they cannot themselves meet, but are willing to allow their partner to explore that need with someone else.<span style=""> </span>That for me is true love.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Anger has a more direct means of expression, the rituals of D/s often allow it to be converted into sex.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">D/s couples often have an openness of communication that allows issues to be resolved before they fester.<span style=""> </span>Unconscious game-playing is unlikely to survive in such conditions of openness, and by converting harmful games into conscious role play they can be turned into something constructive.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></li></ul> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">D/s practices provoke an intensity of emotion, which if properly managed can create close bonds of friendship and understanding.<span style=""> </span>I say “properly managed”, because that same intensity can split relationships apart if allowed to gets out of control.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></li></ul> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">I’m sure this list could be extended and improved by others with greater experience.<span style=""> </span>I offer it as a way of applauding you relationship pioneers who are willing to take the risk!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-83359732656333379302007-09-29T11:55:00.000+01:002007-09-29T12:02:09.599+01:00Scripts<span style="font-style: italic;">Georgie Porgie pudding and pie,</span><o:p style="font-style: italic;"></o:p><span style="font-style: italic;"><br />Kissed the girls and made them cry,<br /></span><span style="font-style: italic;">When the boys came out to play,<br /></span><i style="font-style: italic;"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Georgie Porgie ran away<o:p></o:p></span></i> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">This bit of doggerel came into my head while doing a job around the house, one of those nursery rhymes from my childhood.<span style=""> </span>I’d rather it hadn’t come into my head, but it wouldn’t go away so I started to analyse it, and realised with a shock just how much it had affected me.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">It should have been just a piece of nonsense verse, but in my childhood world, full of toxic attitudes to sexuality, it became a little fragmentation grenade of poisonous messages:<o:p><br /></o:p></span></p> <ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Girls don’t like being kissed, it makes them cry.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">It’s bad to make girls cry, and Georgie was really awful for doing it.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Georgie wasn’t like the other good boys who wouldn’t dream of making girls cry.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">If he was “normal” he would be running round with the other boys playing football, not messing with girls.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">If the other boys caught him he’d be “for it”.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Georgie was too much of a coward to stand up for himself, so had to run away.<o:p></o:p></span></li><li class="MsoNormal" style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Georgie was probably fat from eating too many puddings and pies.<o:p></o:p></span></li></ul> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p>Since I was quite chubby myself I just knew that this rhyme was talking about me. In this and other similarly innocuous ways were decades of sexual hang-ups conceived.<span style=""> </span>These early messages can be damnably hard to dislodge, and despite all the evidence to the contrary there’s still a little corner of my mind that can’t believe that girls like kissing, let alone being made to cry.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p>This may seem an awful lot to pin on a harmless little nursery rhyme, originating as an early piece of political satire from the 17<sup>th</sup> century aimed possibly at George Villiers, 1<sup>st</sup> Duke of Buckingham.<span style=""> </span>However I use it to illustrate the way distorted beliefs can take hold and affect our lives.<span style=""> </span>Some call them “memes”, therapists talk of core beliefs and life scripts.<span style=""> </span>The point is that they take root and continue to influence us long after the original source has been forgotten.<span style=""> </span>The fact that I dislike the rhyme so much suggests that it still has some power over me.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p>Finding and pulling out these mental weeds is one of the activities that goes on in therapy, but you can also do it for yourself by noticing and taking the trouble to understand the unexpected thoughts that pop into your head while doing everyday things.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-86631152340192513522007-09-24T13:33:00.000+01:002007-09-24T13:37:49.890+01:00Personalities - 2<span style="font-size: 11pt; font-family: Arial;" lang="EN-GB"></span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span><b style=""><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></b><span lang="EN-GB">My previous post on personalities relates to any aspect of the personality, but now I would like to connect it specifically with dominance and submission.<span style=""> </span>As I have previously theorised, dominance and submissiveness are built into the human genetic makeup, and these traits are amplified or attenuated by our environment and experiences.<span style=""> </span>They can be present in varying degrees in all the personality layers.<span style=""> </span>Let me take two hypothetical examples - "Jack" and "Jill"</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span><br /><p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span lang="EN-GB">Jack<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span lang="EN-GB">Jack’s father started drinking when Jack was 8 years old, and he would often be woken in the night by sounds of fighting and his mother being beaten up.<span style=""> </span>As Jack grew older he wanted to challenge his father and protect his mother, but she begged him not to intervene as it would only make things worse.<span style=""> </span>Jack promised himself never to treat women in this way.<span style=""> </span>When he was 17 there was a major confrontation with his father in which Jack's rage erupted and he knocked his father to the ground.<span style=""> </span>He left home the same day and never returned.<span style=""> </span>Jack had a series of relationships with girls from dysfunctional families, who took advantage of his kindness but eventually left him.<span style=""> </span>His inability to show anger made him pathologically nice and kind, but also weak and boring.<span style=""> </span>Jack was disturbed by sadistic fantasies which made him feel very guilty, but he couldn't get an erection without them.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">We don’t know about Jack’s early life, but between 8 and 14 as he is beginning to mature physically and sexually he is angry at his father, feels protective towards his mother, and is reduced to impotence by her begging him not to act.<span style=""> </span>He will have learned to associate relationships between men and women with violence, and possibly feels very ashamed of his masculinity.<span style=""> </span>This is one part of his personality, which gets abruptly abandoned after the fight with his father.<span style=""> </span>He then creates a new part, based on being nice and kind, and seeks out girls to rescue in a way that he couldn’t do with his mother.<span style=""> </span>With the inner angry core being sealed off, he is unable to be totally himself in relationships, resulting in his partners leaving him for someone more exciting.<span style=""> </span>Despite his best efforts the suppressed layer leaks out in the form of fantasies, mocking his attempts to be different from his father.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style=""><span lang="EN-GB">Jill<o:p></o:p></span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><i style=""><span lang="EN-GB">Jill was an assertive, bossy tomboy in her early childhood, and always got her own way.<span style=""> </span>At the age of 9 her mother had a nervous breakdown which led to her parents splitting up and Jill being looked after by her grandparents.<span style=""> </span>Her grandmother had strong views that young women should be brought up to be docile, obedient and submissive.<span style=""> </span>When her tomboy ways broke through Jill's grandfather was brought in to deliver corporal punishment, which her grandmother said was a man's job.<span style=""> </span>Jill's grandfather felt guilty about doing this, and compensated by being overly generous to Jill, buying things for her when grandmother wasn't around.<span style=""> </span>When Jill was old enough to have relationships she tended to end up with men who were physically violent, although when they were not beating her they were often remorseful and tried very hard to make amends.<span style=""> </span>Eventually Jill decided she had taken enough abuse, and reverted to her "tomboy" self, becoming a strong aggressive, assertive businesswoman with strong views on women’s' rights.<o:p></o:p></span></i></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">In Jill we can see three layers – the tomboy, the submissive and the businesswoman.<span style=""> </span>The inner and the outer get on quite well together, but the submissive part is repressed.<span style=""> </span>Since the submissive part contains much of Jill’s capacity for forming relationships, this is the area of her life that she finds most difficult.<span style=""> </span>The men she chooses are modelled unconsciously on her grandfather – alternately punishing and remorseful.<span style=""> </span>Jill’s female friends can never understand why she chooses the men she does, and rejects out of hand men who would seem to make much better partners.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Jack and Jill both have dominant and submissive aspects of their personalities - Jack is suppressing his dominance because of the negative associations with his father's behaviour.<span style=""> </span>Jill is suppressing her submissiveness because it led her into abusive relationships.<span style=""> </span>Note that dominance and submissiveness are not the “cause” of Jack or Jill’s problems, they are just characteristics that get caught up in the problems caused by the splits in their personalities.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-4406297024856784502007-09-23T16:07:00.000+01:002007-09-24T13:37:30.161+01:00Personalities - 1<span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span><span style="" lang="EN-GB">As I reflect on my therapy work I've realized that it can be divided broadly into two - behaviour change and personality change.<span style=""> </span>I have alluded to the behaviour change aspect several times already in this blog - in the therapy world it is the domain of CBT, and in the D/s world it figures prominently in the training that goes on in the relationship between a Dom and a sub.<o:p></o:p></span> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Behaviour change is very effective for dealing with many of the common psychological problems that afflict us, such as fears & phobias, OCD, social phobia, impulse control problems.<span style=""> </span>It is about changing what we <b style="">do, </b><span style=""> </span>and very often it is enough to change the things we do to bring about big change in our lives and how successful we are.<span style=""> </span>Some proponents of behavioural therapy proclaim that it is all that is needed, but this is not true.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">Personality change is about changing who we <b style="">are</b> as opposed to what we <b style="">do</b>.<span style=""> </span>Personality is partly from our genetics and partly from life experiences, and of course behaviour plays a part too - what we <b style="">do</b> with the hand of cards our genes have dealt us and the events that life has thrown at us.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="" lang="EN-GB">A simple model or personality is the true self/false self dichotomy of </span><span lang="EN-GB">Donald Winnicott (1960).<span style=""> </span>Winnicott proposed that under certain conditions of development our personalities become divided into two parts - a "false self", which is the public face we show to other people, a persona or mask that we show to the world.<span style=""> </span>Behind this the true self is kept hidden away because we feel it is inferior or unacceptable in some way, a belief that has often arisen because of the way we were received in childhood.<span style=""> </span>Winnicott's model is an oversimplification, but it does fit with the experience of many people, who describe experiences such as "feeling like a fraud", "always acting a part", "not being truly alive", "being empty" or "having a hole inside", "being in a bubble", "cut off from others as if separated by a sheet of glass".</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">While not disagreeing with the basic idea, I've always been uncomfortable with the "false self" terminology, as it implies something that is wrong or bad, when in fact the false self has just been doing it's best to help us survive in the world.<span style=""> </span>Often the false self has enabled us to be extremely successful in the material world - it may have given us a career, home, family, and even brought us along to therapy.<span style=""> </span>Also I feel that it is inaccurate to believe that there is a "true self" hidden in the depths of our psyches, like a grail cup or treasure chest just waiting to be found.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">To visualise a better model, think of the last time you chopped an onion in half and found that it was made up of layers, tightly packed one inside the other.<span style=""> </span>The outer layers represent the adult part of our personality, the part that deals with the world, that corresponds to Winnicott's false self.<span style=""> </span>Inside that, instead of a single true self we have many layers, each representing a different aspect of ourselves.<span style=""> </span>Some aspects are relatively accessible, others are deeply hidden.<span style=""> </span>Everything we have been from conception is preserved in one of these layers.<span style=""> </span>New layers form when we begin a new "chapter" in our lives. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">I find this to be an extremely helpful model when dealing with personality difficulties which arise when there is conflict between the layers.<span style=""> </span>Think of each layer as having a mini-personality in its own right, with its own characteristic feeling tone, behaviours, loves and hates, needs and desires.<span style=""> </span>Sometimes a layer may feel a particular age, which could be the age it first formed, or more likely the age it was when superseded by another.<span style=""> </span>These mini personalities can remain hidden for long periods, becoming visible when particular circumstances trigger them into action.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">What creates the new layers?<span style=""> </span>Sometimes it is just the normal course of development – we move on, grow up, go to school, college, university, start work, get married and so on.<span style=""> </span>Each of these turning points can prompt us to develop a new identity, in effect growing a new layer of the onion.<span style=""> </span>Sometimes however it may be more traumatic and painful events that cause the change – death or divorce of parents, serious accidents or illnesses, various forms of abuse, the list is endless. Sometimes the wounding is so deep that the mind seals off the younger self behind a defensive wall, protecting us from the emotional hurt and trauma, and allowing us to get on with the business of surviving.<span style=""> </span>In this way Winnicott’s true and false selves are created.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">We can survive for many years with hidden layers of walled-off trauma, but eventually something causes the old material to surface – often relationships with people we are close to can do this.<span style=""> </span>Sometimes instead of the old feelings and memories breaking through into our adult personality we actually regress back to a younger age, we become that young wounded child again.<span style=""> </span>When this happens we often re-experience the traumatic events as if they were real.<span style=""> </span>This can be disconcerting for us, and also for people who know us, as we are literally “not ourselves” – we have taken on the personality of a different self from a previous era of our lives.<span style=""> </span>We may feel that we are going mad.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">What can be done to repair a personality that is fragmented in this way?<span style=""> </span>This really depends upon the degree of trauma and wounding.<span style=""> </span>As I said earlier everyone goes through life changes, and if they were not too traumatic we can re-integrate our younger selves by means of self-awareness and relationships.<span style=""> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">However for someone who has experienced splitting of the personality due to severe trauma such as abuse, I would say unequivocally that this can only be done with the aid of a very experienced therapist, skilled in this type of personality work.<span style=""> </span>It can be a long and arduous process, often lasting years. It cannot be rushed, which is one reason I have no time for people who believe that any psychological problem can be solved in six sessions.<span style=""> </span>It is not easy to locate such a therapist – they are few and far between and tend to be busy, often charging less than others who are less well qualified.<span style=""> </span>If you are searching for such a therapist it is important to trust your instincts about their personality, as you will be working with them for a long time, and often first impressions are remarkably accurate.<span style=""> </span>You may have to work through several therapists before finding the one who is right for you.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">Can a D/s relationship help to repair splits in the personality?<span style=""> </span>Up to a point I think that the answer can be yes, but we are back to the difference between mild and severe wounding that I have just mentioned.<span style=""> </span>D/s relationships can create very intense emotions, which can be healing in the right circumstances, but potentially damaging if there are hidden wounds.<span style=""> </span>The best advice I can give to anyone who is considering D/s and knows that they have trauma in their past is to find a therapist first.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;" lang="EN-GB"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="color: black;" lang="EN-GB">Winnicott, D. W. (1960). "Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self," in The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. </span><st1:state><st1:place><span style="color: black;" lang="EN-GB">New York</span></st1:place></st1:State><span style="color: black;" lang="EN-GB">: International UP Inc., 1965, pp. 140-152.</span><span style="" lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p> </o:p></span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-9236834769483459472007-09-03T15:40:00.000+01:002007-09-03T15:41:52.201+01:00The Way of the King<span style=""><o:p></o:p></span><span style="">Sometimes I find myself working with clients who have been promoted into management positions without much prior training in leadership.<span style=""> </span>It can be extremely challenging taking charge of a group of people, often highly qualified and skilled, and getting them to do the job that needs to be done.<span style=""> </span>I have seen several highly competent people reduced to breakdown by the stresses involved.<o:p></o:p></span> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">Part of the problem is finding a leadership style that works.<span style=""> </span>At one extreme would be an autocratic style, the "way of the dictator", but when the people being led are professionals who are used to giving orders (e.g. teachers) or working independently (e.g. scientists) then this approach tends to be unsustainable.<span style=""> </span>Often the new manager adopts a pleasing, placatory approach to their subordinates, a weak management style which can result in the manager doing most of the work and suffering the resulting burnout.<span style=""> </span>We could call this the "way of the doormat".<span style=""> </span>And then there is management by committee - sitting around in those dreadful meetings that never achieve anything.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">When coaching new managers who are still finding their leadership feet I often recommend an approach which steers a middle way between committee, doormat and dictator.<span style=""> </span>I call it the "way of the King", as it derives from stories of the legendary Arthur and his Round Table.<span style=""> </span>The Round Table was a forum for making decisions.<span style=""> </span>It was democratic in the sense that each participant would have an equal right to speak on the issue being discussed, and the King would listen carefully to each opinion in turn.<span style=""> </span>However there was no doubt that the King was in charge, and having heard what everyone at the table had to say he would make his decision.<span style=""> </span>From that point on the group would rally behind the course that the King had chosen.<span style=""> </span>No doubt some would be disappointed that their view had not prevailed, but they would at least know that their opinion had been heard and taken seriously.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">It is an approach which I use when being dominant, and I commend it to others who are making steps towards becoming a Dom.<span style=""> </span>In my experience most submissives are looking for strong leadership from their Dom, but not dictatorial bullying.<span style=""> </span>They want to be given firm guidance and to be told what to do at times, but do not appreciate the arbitrary abuse of power. <span style=""> </span>In my opinion it is worth taking the time to listen to a sub's views and opinions, but in the end you should always make your own decision.<o:p></o:p></span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-26242625583542253052007-08-24T11:52:00.000+01:002007-08-24T11:55:52.385+01:00Rage<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">When I look around at my local community, talk to neighbours and attend public meetings, I notice a rage simmering under the surface.<span style=""> </span>I live in a rural area that's up to now escaped the worst of the inner-city difficulties of crime, violent gangs, drugs and similar depressing problems.<span style=""> </span>Lately I've been feeling that these troubles have caught up with us out in the country, and ordinary people who normally remain silent are getting increasingly angry about it.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">The government in it's wisdom has allowed longer drinking hours in pubs and bars, which means we now have groups of troublemakers wandering our streets all through the night, disturbing the peace and smashing things.<span style=""> </span>After recent incidents where members of the public have been battered to death for intervening, we are advised to stay in our houses at night and leave the streets to the thugs.<span style=""> </span>The police and local council seem powerless or unwilling to do anything about it. Meanwhile every criminal seems to have their human rights lawyer in tow, no doubt funded by the taxpayer, ready to leap into court at moments notice to ensure that their precious rights are not infringed.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">So yesterday I was busy repairing my smashed fence for the umpteenth time, and some of that simmering rage started to boil over.<span style=""> </span>One of the advantages of having sadistic inclinations is the rich store of suitable fantasies to draw on - corporal punishment in prisons, a whipping post on the village green, the tables turned.<span style=""> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">Now I'm not fundamentally a violent person, and I'm not sure that I'd really want to live in a society where the state inflicted corporal punishment, but when I saw this <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=472442&in_page_id=1811&in_page_id=1811&expand=true">video clip</a> of a Malaysian drug dealer getting some human rights education from a prison officer with a big stick my first reaction was YESSSSS!!!<span style=""> </span>And judging by the comments that follow the article, most people are in agreement.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="">The big danger as I see it is that the underlying rage in our society could easily be tapped by a charismatic leader with extreme political views promising to put things right.<span style=""> </span>And it doesn't take much knowledge of history to know where that leads!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=""><o:p> </o:p></span></p>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8012245925635855744.post-26066002753317800862007-08-05T08:37:00.000+01:002007-08-05T08:49:03.891+01:00TribeIs D/s just something that only happens in the West? A comment to one of my recent posts reminded me of a programme that the BBC broadcast called Tribe, in which the explorer Bruce Parry went and stayed with a number of tribes for an extended period, finding out about their lives and filming them. In one particular episode he participates in an initiation ceremony for a young man of the Hamar tribe, part of which involves the whipping of his young female relatives. <br /><br />In one scene the young women dance round in a circle, blowing horns and shouting "we want to be whipped"! I won't go into any more detail, but you can find the clips here: <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/tribe/tribes/hamar/index.shtml">http://www.bbc.co.uk/tribe/tribes/hamar/index.shtml</a>Pain Healerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02355870292938955014noreply@blogger.com5