Pain Healer

One of the most harrowing radio programmes I have listened to in a long time was broadcast on the BBC recently . Its includes an interview of a Congolese woman who was captured and abused by a group called the Interhamwe. I won't go into all the details of the atrocities that occurred, because you can listen to the broadcast yourself if you go here . However if you do listen to it, be prepared to be profoundly unsettled. The broadcast left me with a feeling of profound despair at the depths of cruelty the human species is capable of sinking to. I was left questioning whether the appearance of civilisation we normally display is merely a paper-thin veneer, covering up the hidden savagery beneath. It is not as if this is an isolated incident, you don't have to listen to the news for too long to hear of many more examples. After the initial feeling of horror abated I started thinking about this blog, and where I am going with it. Is it merely an intellectual exercise i...

It feels as though the dominant part of my personality is just coming out of a period of hibernation which has lasted for over ten years. Actually, when I think about it some more I would say that a better description would be a process of metamorphosis. It's like emerging from a chrysalis to discover that I've changed, and so has the environment I'm emerging into. Over a decade ago I decided to withdraw from my involvement in BDSM, the catalyst for this being the birth of my son. At that time Operation Spanner was in full swing arresting and later imprisoning gay men for sadomasochistic activities. There was a witch-hunt in progress hunting for paedophiles, but since no-once seemed too sure how to identify a paedophile anyone with a penis was a suspect. Social workers were smashing up families in the name of child protection and seeing abuse round every corner. (I've since had several social workers as clients, and they are lovely people, but in those day...

I've avoided giving advice so far in this blog, but I feel that with shame I've got something to offer, and that it might be helpful to do so. Having said that I don't claim to have the full picture, and am happy to receive feedback from anyone who has other views. So first some general advice which is applicable to everyone... 1. Become familiar with your own shame, recognise what triggers it and what you do as a result. Do you withdraw, retreat, sulk? Or do you get irritable, or lash out at those around you, physically or verbally? Does it turn into cynicism, sarcasm or despair? Do you pass it on to other people, shaming them as a way of offloading your own? If you are affected by any significant degree of shame you will probably be surprised at how many areas of your life it affects, once you start noticing it. 2. As you start to recognise shame in yourself, you'll become more sensitive to it in others. The downcast expression, averted e...

Shame is an emotion which is easy to overlook, something that was brought home to me recently when it suddenly 'clicked' that several clients who had been baffling me, who should have been improving but weren't, were actually suffering from an excess of shame instead of the anxiety I had been treating them for. So what exactly is shame? Experts argue about this, so my definition may not be totally accurate, but I link it with feeling inferior, small, bad, worthless, weak, useless, unlovable. If guilt is feeling bad because of the things I've done , then shame is feeling bad because of who I am . When I'm feeling ashamed I might blush, hang my head, lower my eyes to the floor. I might want the earth to open up and swallow me. I could feel naked, exposed, and intensely aware of people looking at me. Hiding away and withdrawing from the world are the things I want to do. If I can't hide I might get irritable and defensive, or lash out at people cl...