Pain Healer

This post is about a life situation that seems quite frequent - where a woman with submissive inclinations is married to a man who has no affinity for being dominant. As she starts to explore her true nature, the tensions between the call of her Self and the obligations of marriage can stretch her emotionally to breaking point. I hope that this situation is improving - the internet provides so much more information about sexuality now that it is easier to learn who you are at an earlier age. However it can take a long time to understand yourself, so it's still quite possible to end up being married before your submissive nature reveals itself. If you find yourself in this dilemma, it is very important to be clear. As a married submissive woman your husband is your Master. You cannot have a Dominant "on the side" and expect it to work, because this type of relationship is basically one of deception. I realise how hard this situation can be

What follows is my old Fetlife profile. I'm changing it to something much simpler on that site, but I don't want to lose this one as I spent a lot of time working on it.... I see myself foremost as a healer, but also as a disciplinarian - these two belong together in my personality. I have many years of experience in psychology, psychotherapy, coaching and personal development. I have helped many people using these skills, but in so doing I have met others, often extraordinarily talented and creative people, who were unable to fully benefit from these approaches because they lacked the necessary discipline. At the time my professional ethics made it impossible to provide the discipline that was lacking, but I am now creating a new lifestyle for myself where this becomes possible. I am renovating a property in the Scottish Highlands in which I plan to run workshops in the future. In the meantime the building and land needs a lot of work doing to it, so there is

Although some people are more naturally submissive than others, submissiveness is a quality which can be developed through practice, discipline and training, under the guidance of someone with the specialised knowledge of what is required. It may be helpful to think of the development of a submissive as going through a series of stages. Stage 1 In this stage the individual is not aware that they are actually submissive, they haven't thought of themselves in those terms yet. There will be signs and indications of course, they will be aware that they are different from other people, but they may not realise that there are others like themselves. The submissiveness may reveal itself through particular types of fantasies, an attraction to austerity and a rejection of self-indulgence. This individual may have a tendency to defer to other people, to sit quietly in the background rather than join in with conversations, or to apologise for themselves a lot. Stage 2 There comes a time wh

I made many attempts at writing a rationale and justification for punishment as a component of a submissive's training, before concluding that I was wasting my time. Training as a submissive without punishment is like trying to play the game of cricket without cricket bats: it would be a pointless exercise.  Willingness to accept punishment is such a fundamental component of submissiveness that if you are firmly opposed to the idea you should probably read no further. Paradoxically the other extreme is also true – if you could willingly accept any amount of punishment and masochistically enjoy every second of it then it is unlikely to have the corrective effect necessary. Ideally you should view the prospect of being punished with a certain amount of fear and trepidation, while accepting that it will do you good and resolving to suffer it willingly and bravely. If you have never been punished before that is not a problem - all you need is a willingness to experience it. It is impo

You long to submit, you find someone worthy who is willing to accept your submission, they give you a simple task to perform which you gladly accept, you set out with good intentions determined to please - and you can't do it. What has happened? There may be a number of reasons, but the most common is fear. Fear blocks us, prevents us from growing and reaching our full potential. Rather than deal with it we seek out a "comfort zone" where we're not exposed to the fear and quietly forget it's there. An experienced Dominant will quickly spot your avoidance and set you a task that forces you to tackle it head on, at which point you arrive at the uncomfortable conclusion - "I can't do it". Does this mean that you're a bad submissive, a hopeless case? No, it means that you have a fear (or guilt, shame, or other negative emotion) that rises up when triggered and makes it impossible to do the required task. Fear is endemic - there are very few people t

How does a Dom punish his or her submissive when they are thousands of miles apart and rarely, if ever meet?  I describe here one of the methods I use. It's based on a similar principle to Corner Time, which is a frequently used form of mild punishment, involving standing in a corner for an extended period of time.  Corner Time can be used as a "cooling off" process, or as a technique for creating anticipatory anxiety in advance of something even more unpleasant.  What is described here is a variant of corner time which I call Bar Time . I prefer it because it requires a more submissive position (the typical bend-over-for-a-caning position), thereby having a more powerful psychological impact. It's also a lot more physically challenging - holding the position for any length of time can become quite painful and a real ordeal, so the severity of punishment entailed can be set by adjusting the duration. Construction The Bar is essentially a horizontal metal pole s

As a Dom I'm very demanding in areas such as obedience, discipline, self-development and service. It takes a lot of time and mental effort to train a submissive, even if the relationship is purely online, and in return I expect a sub to work as hard as possible at the tasks I set. In order to achieve this level of dedication to service, a submissive needs to be healthy, both mentally and physically. The sad truth is that this is getting ever harder to achieve. I read some statistics recently that if you include obesity and mental health issues, around 60% of Americans have a chronic illness of some sort. The UK is not far behind. The most depressing statistic is that children are almost as badly off for illnesses as adults, with diseases such as autism increasing exponentially. I first became aware of the seriousness of this issue over a year ago when my local medical centre ran a public meeting, and at that meeting their presentation showed that 30% of their pat

If you've ever done the physics experiment where you magnetize a nail by stroking it with a bar magnet, you will have an idea of the power of alignment. The nail is made up of many regions called domains which are magnetic, but randomly oriented, so the magnetic effect cancels out. When you stroke the nail with a magnet, you cause the domains to become aligned, with the result that the nail now generates a magnetic field. The same can be true of people. A group of people working together who are not aligned will tend to cancel out each others' efforts, and produce very little useful result. If that same group of people can be aligned in a common direction much more can be achieved. If you have ever worked in a team which is out of alignment you will know the sheer frustration and hopelessness that results. By contrast, working with a group of people who are in the flow, like a group of jazz musicians improvising together, can be a joyous and creative experience. As an individu

There are plenty of people who would like to see themselves as dominant, but finding someone who is good at it could be difficult, as people with the right qualities are rare. Submitting to a dominant is a major decision and one which needs to be taken with care. Someone new to submission can easily be swept along by the new discoveries, feeling accepted and being understood. However this can lead you into a relationship with the wrong person, which can be an unpleasant experience. There's no one-size-fits-all prescription here - you need to find a dominant that meets your needs, as well as you being the right person for the dominant. The list below contains my suggestions for things you might want to look out for, but you should take what feels important and add your own criteria too. In what follows I will be referring to a female submissive and male dominant, but most of the points are relevant whatever the genders involved. Qualities desirable in a dominant: He will have a hi

As with any other skill, submissiveness is developed by training. Even those who have a naturally submissive personality can have this improved by experiencing an appropriately demanding training regime. It's very hard to be sufficiently strict with oneself to achieve the necessary development of personality. Therefore, although I've been discussing submitting to Gaia as a goal, in order to achieve this we first of all have to begin by submitting to an actual physical human, a dominant. In this and other posts I will describe the dominant as male, but this is not necessarily the case. Whatever gender, the dominant needs to have an understanding of what you are aiming to achieve, and to have the humility to recognise that serving them is just a step along the path for you, and that eventually they will need to surrender their dominance of you to a higher power. This is a big ask, because training a submissive represents a big commitment in time for the dominant, and he wil

The following are my views on the qualities that make a good submissive. This may seem like an extensive list, but it is not something which has to be achieved all at once. It is a set of aspirations which submissive training can support you in achieving, although the effort required to achieve them will be yours. If you are not inspired by the thought of achieving many of these qualities then you are probably not seeking to become a submissive. Obedience - a fundamental requirement but not easy to achieve. A dominant's demands are designed to stretch you, to make you transcend your limitations. Obeying will take you outside of your comfort zone over and over again, into a state of surrender. One you place yourself in service to Gaia the tests to your obedience do not become any less, it it just that knowing what is required of you is not so obvious and requires intuition. Discipline - a submissive is both self-disciplined and accepting of external discipline. Discipline ta

To recap on some recent posts I've made, I'm talking about our planet, which I'm calling Gaia, as an intelligent, living being that provides us with everything we need to exist. If you can accept this, then it seems obvious to me that submissiveness is the only appropriate attitude to adopt towards her. Certainly the arrogance with which mankind has treated her can no longer be sustained; it will lead to our extinction. Therefore I conclude that submissiveness is an excellent grounding for the way we should behave towards our planet. Once we start to make this shift, it seems that the Gaia responds, and we start to gain access to our higher consciousness. However, turning a desire for submission into it's practical reality is not a simple task - for most of us our conditioning pulls us in the opposite direction. It therefore takes training to reorient the personality away from ego-based selfishness towards humility and service. It's hard to keep up the will to

This is a phrase that I hear more often than I would expect, given that the people I mix with don't tend to spend a lot of time discussing the gospels. It tends to make me prick my ears up, as if I'm being alerted to something important. I'll let others debate whether the phrase has the same meaning as "blessed are the submissives", but that's how I'm choosing to interpret it. People with submissive qualities often get a raw deal in our society. In a culture that values independence and being extrovert, submissiveness is often mistaken for weakness and subservience. I see it differently - submission requires strength, self-discipline and determination. Submissive individuals are excellent followers and provide loyal support to leaders they believe in. They value good relationships, honesty and plain speaking. They work hard and take pride in producing good work. They do not look for power, celebrity status or applause - they are happy in supporting role

In this new series of posts I'm looking at how dominance and submission might be used in service. In particular I've been talking about how we might serve “the planet”, but I find that description is a bit too abstract and impersonal for my purpose. As I've said already, we need to stop seeing our planet as an inanimate object, and begin to regard it as an intelligent, living being, the source of all life that supports and nourishes us. Doesn't this being have a name? I'm inclined to steer clear of names that are too strongly associated with religions, such as God, Brahman, Yaweh, and suchlike. They have too much history invested in them, they carry too much baggage, and the fact that we're familiar with them tends to make us believe that we know what they mean. I'm also cautious about names that appear to refer to the universe as a whole. These days I hear many people talking about getting a message from "The Universe" or "The Field&quo

I'm very aware that my ideas are not for everyone, I've had plenty of feedback over the years that confirms this. It therefore world seem to be a good idea, and save everybody's time, if I spell out who they are aimed at. The content of this blog might appeal to you if you recognise a strong element of natural submissiveness in your personality and want to develop that in order to serve our planet. It may also appeal to you if you already have experience of BDSM but want to take it to a deeper, more meaningful level. You will have already seen the beneficial effects submission has on your personality and relationships, and want to help spread those benefits to others. Having said that, I also want keep this space open to you if you have not been active in any sort of "scene", as this is by no means essential. You may be drawn to self-sacrifice, and be looking for guidance on how to go about this. You may be attracted to spiritual service, but find yourself

It's over ten years since I last posted to this blog, and a lot has happened in that time, both personally for me and globally for humanity. I feel that we now live at a critical time. Our civilisation faces multiple threats, of which climate change is the one that gives me the most cause for urgency, but there are many more. Anyone who isn't disturbed by these threats either hasn't looked at the evidence, of which there is plenty, or is in denial. I'm interested in talking to those people who are not in denial, who have looked at the evidence, but may be struggling to know what to do about it. This is where my fundamental interest in dominance and submission comes into play. It's something I've always been drawn to, for as long as I can remember, but I've not been particularly interested in using it as a form of "play". It's felt much more serious than that, and in the ten years since I last posted I've come to realise