What about dominants?
There are plenty of people who would like to see themselves as dominant, but finding someone who is good at it could be difficult, as people with the right qualities are rare. Submitting to a dominant is a major decision and one which needs to be taken with care. Someone new to submission can easily be swept along by the new discoveries, feeling accepted and being understood. However this can lead you into a relationship with the wrong person, which can be an unpleasant experience.
There's no one-size-fits-all prescription here - you need to find a dominant that meets your needs, as well as you being the right person for the dominant. The list below contains my suggestions for things you might want to look out for, but you should take what feels important and add your own criteria too. In what follows I will be referring to a female submissive and male dominant, but most of the points are relevant whatever the genders involved.
Qualities desirable in a dominant:
He will have a high level of conscious awareness of his own psychological issues and the impact he has on others. I'm not saying that the dominant should be flawless, just that he knows about his own limitations and doesn't try to dump the blame for them on others. This awareness means that he will be able to distinguish between his own problems and yours.
He should have his ego under control. Someone who is arrogant, grandiose or a bully certainly does not. Someone who is self-pitying, has a chip on his shoulder or likes playing the victim is equally controlled by ego, just in a negative sense. A dominant with his ego under control should feel comfortable to be with, be secure in himself and will have no need to act defensively or to be right all the time.
He should be empathic and able to attune - in other words he should be able to "read" you. He takes care to understand you, your needs and your limitations. This doesn't mean that he will always give you what you want, far from it, but he will have an awareness of your capabilities and limitations.
He will be able to challenge your edges firmly, constantly pushing you out of your comfort zone and stretching your capabilities, but without pushing you so far that you end up being traumatised.
He will be independent and free to act without more than the usual constraints that society imposes. If he needs to resort to deception or manipulation to achieve his aims, something isn't right.
He will sets firm boundaries and expect the same from you. This will include not making himself too available to you - when he gives you his attention it will be quality time, but there will be limits and he will not appreciate you demanding more.
He will want to be recompensed for the time and effort he dedicates to your instruction, but he will expect you to do this through giving your time and energy (lots of it), rather than money. If you feel financially exploited then something is wrong. If you feel that sometimes your life isn't your own because of the demands he makes on your time, this is probably a good sign that the dominance-submission dynamic is actually working.
He should be able to teach you new things and encourage you to widen your knowledge and skill base. He should also be willing to learn from you.
He will have a purpose for himself that inspires you and that you can align with. Note that a dominant who is pursuing a serious purpose may need many followers and may need to train several submissives at once. If this is the case you should be prepared to confront any jealousy issues that might arise. If you start to feel that you "own" the dominant or have a claim on him you have a mistaken impression of what submissiveness is.
He will be comfortable with power, but will use it to achieve his purpose for the greater good, rather than to benefit himself. While being a leader he is also a servant.
He will be a good communicator. He will set aside time to listen to you intensely, and you should expect to be closely questioned about personal and intimate matters. You should feel able to talk freely, without inhibition.
When he gives instructions they will be clear and precise, and he will not appreciate having to repeat himself. Don't be fooled by someone who has the "gift of the gab" - being able to talk well is highly prized in society, but it needs to be backed up by deeds that match the words.
He should be a strict disciplinarian who has no qualms about awarding punishment for infractions when appropriate. These will be as severe as necessary, which he will judge by the infraction itself and your ability to receive the discipline.
There will be a clear distinction between these punishments and any form of abuse. A punishment will feel beneficial, growth-enhancing and deserved, as opposed to an uncontrolled venting of anger, cruel or violent impulses.
Compassion should go hand in hand with the strictness. Provided you are doing the best you are capable of he should be happy.
You are unlikely to respect a dominant who can be manipulated, controlled, talked out of administering a punishment or persuaded to be too lenient. He will err on the side of being strict and severe, but without letting this turn into abuse.
Other ways of training as a submissive:
Most of us are doing some of these already - for example if you work for a company a degree of obedience is expected if you are to retain your job. The difficulty with these kinds of submission in practice is that they do not provide the kind of direct control that a dominant can when it comes to enforcing discipline to change behaviour.
A combination that can work is submission to a dominant leader who in turn is a servant to a higher level grouping. This is the idea of the servant-leader, who attracts followers through common dedication to a worthwhile purpose.
There's no one-size-fits-all prescription here - you need to find a dominant that meets your needs, as well as you being the right person for the dominant. The list below contains my suggestions for things you might want to look out for, but you should take what feels important and add your own criteria too. In what follows I will be referring to a female submissive and male dominant, but most of the points are relevant whatever the genders involved.
Qualities desirable in a dominant:
He will have a high level of conscious awareness of his own psychological issues and the impact he has on others. I'm not saying that the dominant should be flawless, just that he knows about his own limitations and doesn't try to dump the blame for them on others. This awareness means that he will be able to distinguish between his own problems and yours.
He should have his ego under control. Someone who is arrogant, grandiose or a bully certainly does not. Someone who is self-pitying, has a chip on his shoulder or likes playing the victim is equally controlled by ego, just in a negative sense. A dominant with his ego under control should feel comfortable to be with, be secure in himself and will have no need to act defensively or to be right all the time.
He should be empathic and able to attune - in other words he should be able to "read" you. He takes care to understand you, your needs and your limitations. This doesn't mean that he will always give you what you want, far from it, but he will have an awareness of your capabilities and limitations.
He will be able to challenge your edges firmly, constantly pushing you out of your comfort zone and stretching your capabilities, but without pushing you so far that you end up being traumatised.
He will be independent and free to act without more than the usual constraints that society imposes. If he needs to resort to deception or manipulation to achieve his aims, something isn't right.
He will sets firm boundaries and expect the same from you. This will include not making himself too available to you - when he gives you his attention it will be quality time, but there will be limits and he will not appreciate you demanding more.
He will want to be recompensed for the time and effort he dedicates to your instruction, but he will expect you to do this through giving your time and energy (lots of it), rather than money. If you feel financially exploited then something is wrong. If you feel that sometimes your life isn't your own because of the demands he makes on your time, this is probably a good sign that the dominance-submission dynamic is actually working.
He should be able to teach you new things and encourage you to widen your knowledge and skill base. He should also be willing to learn from you.
He will have a purpose for himself that inspires you and that you can align with. Note that a dominant who is pursuing a serious purpose may need many followers and may need to train several submissives at once. If this is the case you should be prepared to confront any jealousy issues that might arise. If you start to feel that you "own" the dominant or have a claim on him you have a mistaken impression of what submissiveness is.
He will be comfortable with power, but will use it to achieve his purpose for the greater good, rather than to benefit himself. While being a leader he is also a servant.
He will be a good communicator. He will set aside time to listen to you intensely, and you should expect to be closely questioned about personal and intimate matters. You should feel able to talk freely, without inhibition.
When he gives instructions they will be clear and precise, and he will not appreciate having to repeat himself. Don't be fooled by someone who has the "gift of the gab" - being able to talk well is highly prized in society, but it needs to be backed up by deeds that match the words.
He should be a strict disciplinarian who has no qualms about awarding punishment for infractions when appropriate. These will be as severe as necessary, which he will judge by the infraction itself and your ability to receive the discipline.
There will be a clear distinction between these punishments and any form of abuse. A punishment will feel beneficial, growth-enhancing and deserved, as opposed to an uncontrolled venting of anger, cruel or violent impulses.
Compassion should go hand in hand with the strictness. Provided you are doing the best you are capable of he should be happy.
You are unlikely to respect a dominant who can be manipulated, controlled, talked out of administering a punishment or persuaded to be too lenient. He will err on the side of being strict and severe, but without letting this turn into abuse.
Other ways of training as a submissive:
Although I have assumed so far that you will be submitting to a dominant, and this is probably the most comprehensive way of being trained as a submissive, it is possible to practice submission in other ways:
- Submission to a mentor, guide, spiritual director or other authority figure;
- Submission to a group, which can be a family, team, residential community;
- Submission to an institution, such as a company, organization, university, regiment or religious order.
Most of us are doing some of these already - for example if you work for a company a degree of obedience is expected if you are to retain your job. The difficulty with these kinds of submission in practice is that they do not provide the kind of direct control that a dominant can when it comes to enforcing discipline to change behaviour.
A combination that can work is submission to a dominant leader who in turn is a servant to a higher level grouping. This is the idea of the servant-leader, who attracts followers through common dedication to a worthwhile purpose.
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