Pain Healer

In corresponding with some of the submissives who send me e-mails, I have noticed a disturbing pattern - the number of women who are getting emotionally wounded by prematurely attempting to become “slaves”. Now it’s important to get the terminology right, and I don’t know what other Doms and subs mean precisely when they talk about Master / slave relationships. For me becoming a “slave” represents an extremely intense and challenging form of D/s relationship, one in which the slave surrenders a significant proportion of her freedom, independence, rights and control to the Master. To me, this is something which should only be attempted by someone who has been thoroughly trained as a submissive by a Dom who knows what he is doing, and who has spent a considerable period of time exploring her submissiveness. Some of those who I hear from haven’t even reached the point where I would regard them as submissive, let alone ready to become slaves. Some are surprised to learn that train...

I've avoided giving advice so far in this blog, but I feel that with shame I've got something to offer, and that it might be helpful to do so. Having said that I don't claim to have the full picture, and am happy to receive feedback from anyone who has other views. So first some general advice which is applicable to everyone... 1. Become familiar with your own shame, recognise what triggers it and what you do as a result. Do you withdraw, retreat, sulk? Or do you get irritable, or lash out at those around you, physically or verbally? Does it turn into cynicism, sarcasm or despair? Do you pass it on to other people, shaming them as a way of offloading your own? If you are affected by any significant degree of shame you will probably be surprised at how many areas of your life it affects, once you start noticing it. 2. As you start to recognise shame in yourself, you'll become more sensitive to it in others. The downcast expression, averted e...

Shame is an emotion which is easy to overlook, something that was brought home to me recently when it suddenly 'clicked' that several clients who had been baffling me, who should have been improving but weren't, were actually suffering from an excess of shame instead of the anxiety I had been treating them for. So what exactly is shame? Experts argue about this, so my definition may not be totally accurate, but I link it with feeling inferior, small, bad, worthless, weak, useless, unlovable. If guilt is feeling bad because of the things I've done , then shame is feeling bad because of who I am . When I'm feeling ashamed I might blush, hang my head, lower my eyes to the floor. I might want the earth to open up and swallow me. I could feel naked, exposed, and intensely aware of people looking at me. Hiding away and withdrawing from the world are the things I want to do. If I can't hide I might get irritable and defensive, or lash out at people cl...