Shame - 2
I've avoided giving advice so far in this blog, but I feel that with shame I've got something to offer, and that it might be helpful to do so. Having said that I don't claim to have the full picture, and am happy to receive feedback from anyone who has other views.
So first some general advice which is applicable to everyone...
1. Become familiar with your own shame, recognise what triggers it and what you do as a result. Do you withdraw, retreat, sulk? Or do you get irritable, or lash out at those around you, physically or verbally? Does it turn into cynicism, sarcasm or despair? Do you pass it on to other people, shaming them as a way of offloading your own? If you are affected by any significant degree of shame you will probably be surprised at how many areas of your life it affects, once you start noticing it.
2. As you start to recognise shame in yourself, you'll become more sensitive to it in others. The downcast expression, averted eyes, head "hanging in shame". Blushing, covering the face with the hands, or hiding it behind long hair. The person who is reserved, understated, hiding in the corner, going out of their way to avoid drawing attention to themselves, is probably holding a lot of shame.
Some advice for submissives:
3. Work out if you have a "compulsion to repeat" - a history of situations or relationships where you ended up feeling shamed will be a good indicator. Notice how you got into those situations/ relationships. Were there any clues that you failed to pick up on that might have given you advance warning (the subtle put-downs, the jokes that hurt, criticisms passed off as banter, etc).
4. Seek out relationships that can help you work through your shame without adding to it. If a dominant partner has a lot of unresolved shame himself he won't be able to handle yours. Ideally he will have experienced shame himself, worked through it, and be willing to accept the difficulties that arise as you work through yours.
5. Be aware of the ways in which you might get pleasure out of shame through linking it to sexuality. There's nothing wrong with this if it's what you want, but it can be limiting. If you can only get arousal from one specific form of shame re-enactment it eliminates all the other possibilities for sexuality, and it won't be long before your partner starts to get bored with the repetitive nature of your needs. To move beyond this you need to separate the shame from the sex, by finding a way of activating the shame without it becoming erotic. You can then work through this in a non-sexual way, which will free up your libido for to flow into a wider range of sexual activity.
Some advice for dominants:
6. The first step is to be very clear about your own tendencies to be shamed, as described earlier. Once shame gets evoked, it has a tendency to affect everyone around, and you need to be able to keep a clear head and sense of detachment to avoid getting paralysed by it.
7. If you are using shame-inducing activities such as those I listed in my previous post, you need to be aware of the possible reactions that can be created. There is even a psychological theory about this, called "Psychological Reactance Theory", but in simple terms the reaction to excessive shame will be fight or flight - your partner will throw a tantrum or run away. And if they do run away, don't count on seeing them again - shame has that sort of effect.
8. If shame arises without being excessive then you need to help your partner to stay with it - provide lots of emotional support and acceptance, but don't try to rescue her from the feelings. This is the best way I know of to dissipate chronic shame.
okay, now that i read this post i have to say that i do object a bit. i don't like the way that you're suggesting that the submissives are the ones who carry the issues and the doms are simply helpful people who engage in the drama. the dom's issues are just as present... any dom who gets off on inflicting the items in your list has just as much an issue with shame as the submissive who gets off from receiving that humiliation.
ReplyDeletei also don't agree that it's somehow dangerous for a dom with those issues to interact with a submissive who has the same issues-- because generally we DO all have the same issues. we are attracted to our D/s partners *because* of the complementarity in that way. if a submissive only looked for a dominant partner who had resolved his own feelings of shame, she'd probably never find a partner.
i tend to believe that if the desire to be shamed, OR just as strongly, to shame another, still exists then the issue is not resolved. not that i think the issue necessarily should be resolved if one is enjoying his or her expression of it. :) but the most important point that i want to make (and i hate that you seem to be suggesting otherwise) is that the person who chooses the dominant role doesn't somehow have their act together more simply by their choice of role. wanting to be in charge does not make a person *better* or more evolved.
I knew it was dangerous to start giving advice! I'm feeling quite ticked off here, and actually experienced a short-lived but intense burst of shame myself when I read your comment: "Oh dear, I've got it wrong, and I've offended persephone who I admire a lot"
ReplyDeleteI'm just reading a good book by Robert Lee and Gordon Wheeler called "The Voice of Shame" which deals with shame from the perspective of Gestalt therapy. It's made it clearer for me how we can shame one another in subtle ways without even knowing we're doing it. So perhaps in ignoring the other side of the coin I was unconsciously getting rid of some shame of my own, and now you've handed it back!
I have to admit I noticed the one-sidedness of the post as I was writing it, but pressed on anyway. It's much clearer to me how the de-shaming process works for subs than it does for Doms, hence my suggestion that Doms look at their shame first. I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone is better or more evolved than anyone else, because I'm not qualified to make that judgement.
On the other hand I do wonder if the D/s process does more to help subs process shame than it does Doms. My evidence for this is the huge number of blogs by submissives, revealing a lot of intimate detail, compared to the much smaller number of blogs by Doms. Am I drawing the wrong conclusion from this, or does it indicate that subs end up having less shame than Doms?
definitely was not my intention to bring you shame in return. :) there seems to be something between us because you frequently stimulate a strong reaction in me. but-- two therapists-- i guess we'll figure that one out eventually.
ReplyDeletei really strongly believe that we're working through something in our D/s interactions, just as you described, or at the very least we're trying to. and so i believe that if a person chooses the dominant role, they made that choice because it will be helpful to them. you know, very humanistic, we're all moving toward our own growth. :)
certainly there is a benefit to being in charge of the shaming process. the person who was once shamed is now totally in control of the shaming. and instead of using shame to HURT another person, he is using it to bring pleasure to her (the submissive). and he also experiences his own arousal as a result. so suddenly the bad experience is positive all around! i could see mastery being part of this just as much as the submissive's more passive receiving. yes??
i think the differences in quantity of blogs just shows a societal difference between men and women (the latter being more encouraged to express themselves and more encouraged towards language arts and the like as opposed to the former with sciences). and i think that some doms fear losing their authority if they are too open with their feelings.
...you frequently stimulate a strong reaction in me...
ReplyDeleteI guess that's what D/s is all about :) If you could say what sort of strong reaction it is I'll have a go at figuring it out.
certainly there is a benefit to being in charge of the shaming process. the person who was once shamed is now totally in control of the shaming. and instead of using shame to HURT another person, he is using it to bring pleasure to her (the submissive). and he also experiences his own arousal as a result. so suddenly the bad experience is positive all around!
I really like this explanation and will certainly ponder on it some more. At the same time there's a niggling voice at the back of my mind which says that just because an explanation is attractive doesn't make it right! As my supervisor keeps saying to me: "where's your evidence?"
...i think that some doms fear losing their authority if they are too open with their feelings
This reminded me of another time virtually the same words were spoken. Jung is analysing a dream of Freud's:
'I interpreted it as best I could, but added that a great deal more could be said about it if he would supply me with some additional details from his private life. Freud's response to these words was a curious look - a look of utmost suspicion. Then he said, "But I cannot risk my authority!" At that moment he lost it altogether. That sentence burned itself into my memory; and in it the end of our relationship was already foreshadowed. Freud was placing personal authority above truth.' (C.G. Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections. p181).
Is there a difference between humiliation and embarrassment? Is it a difference of degree or source, i.e., something done to us as opposed to something we do to ourselves? Is shame allied to one or the other or both? Why is humility or being humble a good thing, but being humiliated so negative?
ReplyDeleteThese are really interesting questions. My understanding is that they are both forms of shame, humiliation involving more of a loss of status, whereas embarrassment is more about a loss of honour or dignity. Both states seem to involve other people, but it seems we don't necessarily need other people to do them to us - we can just as effectively humiliate or embarrass ourselves!
ReplyDeleteThe etymology of the word humiliation links to "humus" (earth), implying that it is about grounding, connecting to earth, maybe finding roots? The word also has obvious links to "human" and "humour".
There's an interesting psychological theory called the "involuntary submission strategy" which describes what happens when we are defeated in a contest or in some other way lose status. The theory has been used to explain depression. In a nutshell it says that if we are unable to accept the reduction in status we feel awful - humiliated and depressed. However if we accept defeat gracefully and adjust to the lower rank we then feel a lot better (ie we are humble, rather than humiliated). The difference all seems to lie in the voluntary acceptance of submission.
I've been thinking hard and often about what constitutes embarrassment and what constitutes humiliation, and what I've concluded is that, for me at least, shame is intimately linked with humiliation. I can be embarrassed about a lot of things, but however they appear to others, they are mostly minor in the sense that they don't impact those aspects of my self image which are the most important. Humiliation, on the other hand, involves incidents which may appear objectively to be unimportant but which strike at the core of what I believe makes me, me. Shame insinuates itself in the perceived dimunition of myself brought on by humiliation.
ReplyDeleteFor the workings of my mind anyway, your last paragraph above is most germane, and I think, what I tend to do anyway (although I'm not sure why it's called submission and why it's couched in terms of status, except that I lose status in my own eyes). It's a helpful clarification of process, and will enable conscious application in the future!
If you want to follow this up further, the first chapter of this book is quite helpful: "Subordination and Defeat: An Evolutionary Approach To Mood Disorders and Their Therapy" by Leon Sloman and Paul Gilbert. If you email me I can send you an extract.
ReplyDeleteI've wanted to post something about this for a while now as it seems highly relevant to D/s, but I haven't so far succeeded in condensing it down to a manageable size!