Submissiveness - serving two masters

This post is about a life situation that seems quite frequent - where a woman with submissive inclinations is married to a man who has no affinity for being dominant. As she starts to explore her true nature, the tensions between the call of her Self and the obligations of marriage can stretch her emotionally to breaking point.

I hope that this situation is improving - the internet provides so much more information about sexuality now that it is easier to learn who you are at an earlier age. However it can take a long time to understand yourself, so it's still quite possible to end up being married before your submissive nature reveals itself.

If you find yourself in this dilemma, it is very important to be clear. As a married submissive woman your husband is your Master. You cannot have a Dominant "on the side" and expect it to work, because this type of relationship is basically one of deception.

I realise how hard this situation can be, your newly discovered submissiveness is so energising and powerfully rewarding that the thought of not being able to fulfill it is almost too much to bear.  Others may have different advice on how to cope with this - I offer my own opinions here for what they are worth:

submit to your husband, even if he can't receive it

Initiate the submissive behaviour of your own accord. At first he may be sceptical or even scornful, but persist with humility. Examples of submissive acts include

• make a point of getting up early every morning and kneeling naked by the bedside where he can see you. Repeat before going to bed.
• in the evening, kneel at his feet rather than sitting beside him on the sofa.
• wear a skirt rather than trousers, and go bare underneath when in his presence.
• be waiting at the door when he arrives home, and make a submissive gesture such as a bow or curtsey.
• initiate your own monitoring, making a point of recording any behaviour that a dominant would regard as an infraction. Go through your records with him if he's willing, and ask for his help in becoming a better person.

keep your own infractions book 

Your infractions book keeps track of all your lapses in submissiveness, however minor. Even if you don't receive punishment for your infractions, it is a useful way of increasing your awareness, and you can always use the self-discipline methods mentioned in the next section.

• it is important to record unsubmissive thoughts, especially negative thoughts about your husband. They can be fleeting, if you don't make a note of them at the time they occur you will quickly forget you were having them, but it is good to have them on record for the future.
• if your husband does come round to disciplining you eventually, it will be good to have a record of all your past infractions so that these can be worked through
• if your circumstances change and you become free to take up with a Dominant, working through all these recorded infractions will become important.

manage your own discipline

 

Although self-inflicted punishment can't replace that given by a dominant, there are some things you can do to punish yourself, such as self-spanking or self-whipping with a strip of leather

• use kneeling or holding a punishment position for a significant time to discipline yourself. Getting out of bed in the middle of the night to kneel is a way of challenging yourself harder.
• nettles can sting ferociously, and you may be able to persuade your husband to use them on you instead of a cane. Otherwise they are easy to use on yourself.
• one of the best implements for self-punishment is the ferula. It is spoon-shaped, made of heavy rubber, and really stings!
• missing a meal, taking a cold shower, exercise, picking up litter, or giving away possessions to a charity shop are other ways of self-discipline.

remain submissive when provoked

All relationships build up tension which can lead to rows. There is no excuse for behaving unsubmissively in these situations, so accept responsibility yourself rather than blaming your husband. It's virtually impossible to continue arguing with someone who is totally accepting the blame for the situation and humbly apologising

• you can defuse the situation by kneeling for an hour until things have calmed down.
• make your apology - in writing if doing it verbally is too hard.
• accept the blame and request punishment for your part in the row.
• Avoid blaming your husband, however badly you think he has behaved. Try to see how your behaviour might have provoked a reaction from him.

build friendships with female submissives

Most husbands would be threatened by you having a friendship with a male Dominant, but may be quite comfortable with you meeting female submissives as a  group for friendship and support. I recommend this if you can set it up, because it helps to remove the isolation, gives you an opportunity to share advice and support one another with the self-discipline.

caveat

as one of my readers kindly pointed out, there is a limit to how much submission you should give if it's not being valued, or worse, you are getting abused. My suggestions above are about ways a submissive can initiate change in her relationship without insisting that her partner makes the first move, but that doesn't mean I recommend making yourself a doormat. There comes a point when enough is enough.

There is much more I could say here, which I am happy to do if asked.  If you have experience of introducing submissiveness into a conventional marriage, I'd be interested in your comments.