Barriers to obedience
You long to submit, you find someone worthy who is willing to accept your submission, they give you a simple task to perform which you gladly accept, you set out with good intentions determined to please - and you can't do it.
What has happened? There may be a number of reasons, but the most common is fear. Fear blocks us, prevents us from growing and reaching our full potential. Rather than deal with it we seek out a "comfort zone" where we're not exposed to the fear and quietly forget it's there. An experienced Dominant will quickly spot your avoidance and set you a task that forces you to tackle it head on, at which point you arrive at the uncomfortable conclusion - "I can't do it".
Does this mean that you're a bad submissive, a hopeless case? No, it means that you have a fear (or guilt, shame, or other negative emotion) that rises up when triggered and makes it impossible to do the required task. Fear is endemic - there are very few people that don't fear something, but the good news is that it is eminently treatable.
Dealing with fear
If it's deep and ingrained it may be best to get help from someone trained in this work such as a therapist. This is even more important if the fear stems from a traumatic event. However if it's not too extreme, you can work with someone else, or even do it on your own.
If you are in a relationship with a Dominant then they may be able to help you work through the fear. It's important that they are sensitive to your degree of emotion and help you to manage your anxiety. Forcing you to keep going when you're feeling terrified may only traumatise you more, so it's important that they know when to pause and reduce the emotional arousal. The same applies when you are working on the fear yourself, but you're more likely to stop much sooner in this case.
Choose a time to work when you're relatively calm. Stress can increase fear, so if you're highly stressed and close to burnout, you need to deal with the underlying causes first. In fact having panic attacks can be a strong indication of being highly stressed.
Identify the fears. Clearly before you can work with fears you need to know what they are. Sometimes this can be easier said than done, because our minds are very good at protecting us from unpleasant memories. The condition known as "generalised anxiety" can come about because the mind is shielding us from a big fear by feeding us a whole string of smaller ones.
In addition to noticing what makes you afraid you should also try to notice what you avoid, as avoidance is one of the most common defences we use to protect ourselves from the feeling of fear.
As you identify the fears, calibrate them on a scale of 0-10. For the ones that are 9 or 10 consider getting professional help. Ideally a fear that you rank at around 5 or 6 is one you could consider working on with support, and 3 or 4 on your own. Obviously these numbers are highly subjective, and different people will rank their fears very differently. My main message is to start with what you feel you can manage, and then gradually tackle the harder fears once you understand the technique.
Having identified a fear, think about several situations where you could experiment with facing it, and rank these on the same scale 0-10. Try to find a way of approaching the fear gradually. So if approaching a barking dog gives you a fear level of 9, how about a puppy that's quiet, or looking at a photo of a dog that's across the other side of the room. Find something related to the fear that you can manage, perhaps with a fear level around 5.
After finding a fear level that you can tolerate, practice facing that fear. You need to find a situation which is safe for you, where the only thing you need to worry about is the fear that you are focusing on, and which you can "switch off" if it's getting too difficult.
Once you start, unless your fear gets out of hand try to keep going until you notice it subsiding. This will normally happen in a few minutes, but this may take half an hour or more. Make sure you breathe well while you're waiting for the fear to subside and relax the muscles in your body. If you find you're clenching your fists, for example, let them relax. This is where a partner can help, because they can spot the signs of tension and remind you to relax.
Provided you were not already highly stressed, you will find that the fear subsides as the body gets used to tolerating it. Keep going until the fear level drops to around 1. Congratulate yourself on your success, have a break, then repeat the experiment. You should find the fear subsides more quickly this time. Once you no longer feel anxious you can move on to more challenging situations, but stop if you find yourself getting too tired.
When you feel you've dealt with the fear, write up the whole experience in your own words. If possible post it on this site. to help others dealing with a similar fear. What worked for you, what didn't. This is about giving something back.
In addition to fear you can work with shame, guilt and other negative emotions in a similar way.
The process I've described is based on techniques called graduated exposure or systematic desensitisation. There are many books written about these techniques which you can refer to for more information.
What has happened? There may be a number of reasons, but the most common is fear. Fear blocks us, prevents us from growing and reaching our full potential. Rather than deal with it we seek out a "comfort zone" where we're not exposed to the fear and quietly forget it's there. An experienced Dominant will quickly spot your avoidance and set you a task that forces you to tackle it head on, at which point you arrive at the uncomfortable conclusion - "I can't do it".
Does this mean that you're a bad submissive, a hopeless case? No, it means that you have a fear (or guilt, shame, or other negative emotion) that rises up when triggered and makes it impossible to do the required task. Fear is endemic - there are very few people that don't fear something, but the good news is that it is eminently treatable.
Dealing with fear
If it's deep and ingrained it may be best to get help from someone trained in this work such as a therapist. This is even more important if the fear stems from a traumatic event. However if it's not too extreme, you can work with someone else, or even do it on your own.
If you are in a relationship with a Dominant then they may be able to help you work through the fear. It's important that they are sensitive to your degree of emotion and help you to manage your anxiety. Forcing you to keep going when you're feeling terrified may only traumatise you more, so it's important that they know when to pause and reduce the emotional arousal. The same applies when you are working on the fear yourself, but you're more likely to stop much sooner in this case.
Choose a time to work when you're relatively calm. Stress can increase fear, so if you're highly stressed and close to burnout, you need to deal with the underlying causes first. In fact having panic attacks can be a strong indication of being highly stressed.
Identify the fears. Clearly before you can work with fears you need to know what they are. Sometimes this can be easier said than done, because our minds are very good at protecting us from unpleasant memories. The condition known as "generalised anxiety" can come about because the mind is shielding us from a big fear by feeding us a whole string of smaller ones.
In addition to noticing what makes you afraid you should also try to notice what you avoid, as avoidance is one of the most common defences we use to protect ourselves from the feeling of fear.
As you identify the fears, calibrate them on a scale of 0-10. For the ones that are 9 or 10 consider getting professional help. Ideally a fear that you rank at around 5 or 6 is one you could consider working on with support, and 3 or 4 on your own. Obviously these numbers are highly subjective, and different people will rank their fears very differently. My main message is to start with what you feel you can manage, and then gradually tackle the harder fears once you understand the technique.
Having identified a fear, think about several situations where you could experiment with facing it, and rank these on the same scale 0-10. Try to find a way of approaching the fear gradually. So if approaching a barking dog gives you a fear level of 9, how about a puppy that's quiet, or looking at a photo of a dog that's across the other side of the room. Find something related to the fear that you can manage, perhaps with a fear level around 5.
After finding a fear level that you can tolerate, practice facing that fear. You need to find a situation which is safe for you, where the only thing you need to worry about is the fear that you are focusing on, and which you can "switch off" if it's getting too difficult.
Once you start, unless your fear gets out of hand try to keep going until you notice it subsiding. This will normally happen in a few minutes, but this may take half an hour or more. Make sure you breathe well while you're waiting for the fear to subside and relax the muscles in your body. If you find you're clenching your fists, for example, let them relax. This is where a partner can help, because they can spot the signs of tension and remind you to relax.
Provided you were not already highly stressed, you will find that the fear subsides as the body gets used to tolerating it. Keep going until the fear level drops to around 1. Congratulate yourself on your success, have a break, then repeat the experiment. You should find the fear subsides more quickly this time. Once you no longer feel anxious you can move on to more challenging situations, but stop if you find yourself getting too tired.
When you feel you've dealt with the fear, write up the whole experience in your own words. If possible post it on this site. to help others dealing with a similar fear. What worked for you, what didn't. This is about giving something back.
In addition to fear you can work with shame, guilt and other negative emotions in a similar way.
The process I've described is based on techniques called graduated exposure or systematic desensitisation. There are many books written about these techniques which you can refer to for more information.
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