Relationships

When I read the blogs and websites of D/s practitioners I see a huge amount of experimentation going on into diverse forms of relationship. I regard the people who try out these relationships as true pioneers, boldly going where the less adventurous don’t dare. In my opinion these pioneers are doing mankind a service, if current divorce rates are anything to go by.

I’m not indiscriminately glorifying D/s relationships, because I’m sure that they have their share of problems. In any situation where there is experimentation there has to be failure. But if we are to do anything about reducing the human misery that unhappy and failed marriages cause, it must be worth reviewing what these pioneers are doing to see what might be helpful to others.

The following is an incomplete list of some of the dysfunctional relationships I see on a daily basis:

• Relationships that are unduly restrictive, forcing one partner or both to suppress a significant part of their personality, forgo a vital interest or limit their contact with other people.

• Relationships that are beset by rows and arguments, often frequent and destructive, which do not resolve anything but continue to erupt. There are many, many causes of rows, including poor communication, clashes of values, differences in goals, growing apart, different sexual needs, unfairness in the division of responsibility, and external pressures.

• Relationships that are tyrannical through unrealistic expectations. These can often be expressed with the word “must” – I must keep my partner happy, I must keep the house spotless, I must earn enough to send the kids to private school, I must provide for foreign holidays, I must be nice to his/her parents however horrible they are to me. Some therapists call this “musterbation”.

• Relationships that are sexless, either through incompatibility, suppressed negative feelings or sheer boredom. Often an unexpected sexual affair will appear “out of the blue” to shake up these relationships, but some don’t survive the strain.

• Relationships where one partner attempts to control the other, through jealousy or fear of being abandoned.

• Relationships which are stuck in a “game”, usually destructive. There are too many types of game to list here, but a classic old book by Eric Berne called “The Games People Play” describes them well.

• Relationships where one partner has never recovered from the ending of a previous relationship. It might be a childhood sweetheart who slipped away, or a loved one who died. The grieving person is never fully available to the new partner, who is left feeling second best.

• Relationships where there is a fundamental incompatibility – it could be social class, religion, nationality, level of education or diverging goals. Some people start close and grow apart, others were never compatible from the outset. I have seen more than one couple trying to make a relationship work when they don’t even speak the same language!

What can these D/s pioneers teach us about relationships that might help to overcome some of these problems? I don’t know enough to be authoritative, but these are some of my observations:

• There is an emphasis on exploring all aspects of sexuality, trying out new forms of sex, overcoming shame and inhibition. There is acceptance of widely varying forms of sexual expression.

• There is a willingness to fantasise, to openly express fantasies and to try them out. Fantasies not only enhance sex, they are also a wellspring of creativity. People in touch with their fantasy lives seem to be a lot happier.

• There can be an openness to exploring relationships with more than one partner. I have been most impressed by the number of people who recognise a need in their partner that they cannot themselves meet, but are willing to allow their partner to explore that need with someone else. That for me is true love.

• Anger has a more direct means of expression, the rituals of D/s often allow it to be converted into sex.

• D/s couples often have an openness of communication that allows issues to be resolved before they fester. Unconscious game-playing is unlikely to survive in such conditions of openness, and by converting harmful games into conscious role play they can be turned into something constructive.

• D/s practices provoke an intensity of emotion, which if properly managed can create close bonds of friendship and understanding. I say “properly managed”, because that same intensity can split relationships apart if allowed to gets out of control.

I’m sure this list could be extended and improved by others with greater experience. I offer it as a way of applauding you relationship pioneers who are willing to take the risk!