Edges

In psychotherapy there is the concept of an "edge". It's not the same as the edges talked about in business such as "cutting edge", "leading edge" or "competitive edge". The psychotherapy edge could be thought of as a "growing edge" - it represents the boundary between what I think of as "me" and what I don't. I haven't been able to find out who first introduced the idea so I can't give them credit, but I know that it forms a core concept in Process Oriented Psychology - as documented in Wikipedia:

Experience is found to be of two kinds: that with which the client identifies, and that which is experienced as “other” or alien to the client. Experiences with which the client identifies are called “primary process”, to emphasize their place in the foreground of awareness. Experiences which the client marginalizes as “other” are called “secondary process”, to emphasize their place in the background of awareness. Furthermore, when a client is encouraged to embrace or identify with a secondary process experience, he or she is generally reluctant or even unable to do so, as though a boundary separates the primary from the secondary processes. This boundary is called the “edge”. It is, quite literally, the edge of the person’s identity.

We may have many edges, but if we just consider one for now it seems to me that there are three areas. Well back from the edge is our "comfort zone" - where it is safe, but nothing much is going to change. At the edge itself we are confronted with having to learn new things, face fears, and grow. Going too far beyond the edge leads us into areas that are terrifying, unnerving, that freak us out or make us question our sanity. As the medieval mapmakers are reputed to have written on their maps where the known world ends - "here there be dragons". Growing therefore is having the courage to confront our edges, without going so far beyond them that we end up traumatised.

It seems to me that D/s works at the edge between the comfort zone and the fear zone. Too far back into the comfort zone and it doesn't hit the spot, it's plain old vanilla. On the other hand go too far the other way and it becomes abuse. We need to find the right place where it's safe to try new things and push the limits, but not so safe that it's boring. Finding the "right" Dom or sub seems to be about finding the person that will help us confront our edges without ending up in that terrifying place.

So part of the exploration that begins a D/s interaction should be the discovery of edges. I don't think it's possible to tell where someone's edges are from outside without knowing them very well. Someone can appear to be supremely self-assured but actually be quaking in their boots. Apparently irrational fears can spring up in the most confident of people. So it seems to me really important that this communication of edges takes place, and for that to happen we have to know where our own edges are.

Everyone has their edges. For example, I can't imagine ever allowing myself to be trussed up, gagged, suspended by my ankles and lowered head first into a bath of water - that would be way beyond the edge for me, but some people seem to revel in it. There may be edges that I'm not yet aware of and will only discover by exploration, in which case I need the ability to apply the psychological brakes and say "no". And to do this I need enough self-awareness to know when I'm getting out of my depth, and the confidence to say so.

One of the emotions that is associated with an edge is shame, something I've discussed in a recent post. Shame can keep us away from the edge, but it can also stop us being open about where our boundaries are, allowing others to unwittingly push us too far. It's easy to blame the other person in that situation, but as they are not inside our heads it can be difficult for someone else to know where to stop.

To summarise, what I'm saying is - know your own edges, be sensitive to them in others, and be prepared to communicate them, however hard that is.