Depression

I've spent the last several weeks steadily sliding into, and then recovering from a state of depression. Not the severest of depressions - I checked myself out using one of the common psychological measures, and I come out as having "borderline clinical depression", whatever that means. Nevertheless it has been debilitating enough to prevent me from doing quite a few of the things that I normally do, including writing to this blog.

Before going much further I have to say that I'm very wary of the term "depression". I use it as a convenience, but it's too easy to fall into the trap of thinking that when I use the word I know what it means, which I don't. Giving something a medical name makes it sound clear-cut and tangible, but in reality depression isn't a simple entity like a broken leg or chicken pox. I've worked with hundreds of people suffering from it, but no two cases were the same - the causes of the depressions and the treatment methods that helped to resolve them were as diverse as the individuals themselves.

My own depression started out with a feeling of anxiety which came from nowhere. I couldn't work out what had caused it, or what I was anxious about, but for two days I experienced some of the physical symptoms of generalised anxiety - heart thumping, hands shaking, and a background feeling of foreboding. I didn't want to go out, and my instincts were to hide away from the world. When I did force myself to do anything I quickly became exhausted.

From the anxiety my feelings slid more towards the low mood that is characteristic of depression. I lost my ability to concentrate on anything but the most vital tasks, and I had to use coffee and carbohydrates to get me through those. My memory was hopeless, my ability to concentrate reduced to seconds, and my motivation to tackle anything the least bit demanding evaporated. As a consequence paperwork and bills started to pile up, emails went unanswered, and I put off making any phone calls unless there was no alternative.

This wouldn't be the first time I've been depressed, but I've never watched it so closely before. I was able to observe at first hand the effects on my mind and body, from the physical exhaustion, desire to sleep, extinction of my libido and loss of interest in anything sexual. My senses seemed dulled, as if an internal level control had been turned down on all input signals. I became irritable with anything or anyone who tried to give my brain anything taxing to do, and normal sources of pleasure were drained of their appeal. It would have been a fascinating set of observations were it not that fascination was the last thing my mind was capable of.

I tried a number of things which normally help. Vitamins and St John's Wort normally make a difference for me, but not this time. I tried meditating in an attempt to clear my mind, but the mental fog quickly came back. I tried doing things, but anything even mildly challenging seemed beyond me. I also started looking for explanations. I'd not long got over a bad cold, so was this some post-viral fatigue? I'd not been particularly stressed - I've been busy, but no more so than normal. There didn't seem to be any obvious external cause.

About a week ago I started emerging from the depression. It happened bit by bit, like the small patches of blue in an otherwise overcast sky that suggest that better weather might be on the way. The first sign that things were improving was when I was able to spend an afternoon working through my pile of untouched correspondence, including several final demands for unpaid bills. It wasn't easy - my diminished cognitive abilities made the electricity bill feel like an exam paper in degree level theoretical physics. Why don't they make these things simpler?!! Eventually I was done, and it was a great relief not having to look at that pile any more.

Another step forward came while I was aimlessly flicking through a therapy magazine that had arrived in the post. I normally stick them on the shelf unread, but an article on counselling for cancer patients caught my eye. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd agreed to participate in an event about cancer, the date for which was fast approaching. Could this be affecting my mood? I read the article more carefully, and fragments of painful memories started coming back. Having to be the one who broke the bad news to my stepfather, the friend who put up a hugely courageous fight against the breast cancer which eventually took her. Were these some residues of grief left which were being triggered by the forthcoming event? I did feel a lot better when the day was over, and what hit me then was tiredness. I could fall asleep during the middle of the day for hours at a time.

I'm not fully out of my depression, although the fact that I'm writing this tells me I'm getting over it. I'm not totally clear what caused it, but my best guess is that I tired myself out without realising it through overwork, stopped doing the things that used to replenish my energies, and connected with some unresolved grief through the cancer event. The combination of these put me in a downward spiral.

While there I managed to do a certain amount of research on depression (in between falling asleep). It's surprisingly interesting, and there are numerous theories about it - many more than I expected to find. Some day soon I hope to be able to post some of the things I learned, but I feel I've got a bit further to go before my brain and concentration will be up to the task.