Monitoring - 2

Back in April I posted a piece about Monitoring. I was intrigued by the similarities between the process of monitoring which is common in D/s relationships, and that used as part of therapy, particularly the more directive therapies such as CBT. Of course there are major differences as well as similarities, the main one being that therapists don't use overt punishment as part of the process, whereas Doms do.

Since making that post I've been experimenting some more with monitoring - mainly in therapy at the moment, although I've also been discussing the D/s form with a number of people. I'm greatly encouraged by the results I and my clients have been getting, and I've learned a lot in the process. It therefore feels a good time to write down my own way of doing it so that it is available for discussion. I'm not saying that my way is the only way, and I imagine that there must be many in both the therapy and D/s worlds with greater expertise than I have, so I'm very open to feedback!

The major misconception I had when I started was that monitoring would become an onerous burden, both for me and my clients, and that it would create a lot of negative feeling. What I underestimated was the extent to which my clients would experience it as a nurturing, supportive process, which they value and appreciate even while they are rebelling like crazy! It can accelerate the process of therapy and has produced some dramatic positive results, which is always rewarding for a therapist. The client sees more progress as they are actually doing the things they agreed to do, and the brief but frequent contact creates a stronger working alliance, which makes it possible to tackle some of the more difficult issues without the relationship breaking down.

It seems to me that the following components are essential in an effective monitoring programme: a planning stage, a schedule, a system for checking in, methods for verification and sanctions for non-compliance to the schedule. As I have greater experience in the therapeutic version of monitoring I will be mainly describing it from this perspective.

Planning

The better planned the monitoring is the more effective it will be. In therapy work it has to be set up collaboratively with the client or it won't work. I know of few clients who will do things they don't want to do for long. Even in a D/s setting I doubt if arbitrary enforcement of monitoring which doesn't have the sub's interests at heart will last for long. Part of the planning process therefore is to have a rationale for doing it, including the goals towards which the monitoring is aiming. Some of the reasons for using a monitored schedule in therapy could include:

· impulse control - learning to control urges, for example outbursts of anger, spending sprees, shoplifting, flirtatiousness, lying.

· changing addictive habits - such as overcoming alcohol or drug use, sex and internet addictions.

· behavioural activation to overcome depression

· activities that are positive but require self-discipline - for example rehearsing lines for a play, learning a musical instrument, foreign language

· activities that are necessary but are experienced as unpleasant - overcoming fear through exposure techniques, making reparation for past behaviour, confronting shame, practising assertiveness for someone who finds this difficult.

· bringing order and discipline to a chaotic lifestyle

· supporting someone who is going through a crisis, or may be at risk to themselves

· overcoming work-related inhibitions - the writer with a creative block, the salesman who has lost the will to sell.

· encouraging someone who neglects their own well-being to lead a more balanced and healthy life

Once we have agreed the purpose of the monitoring and clarified the outcome that the client wants to achieve, the next step it to create the schedule.

Schedule

A schedule is a list of activities to be carried out by the client. It should be considered to be a binding commitment, so that once agreed the client is committing themselves to abide by it until it ends or is renegotiated. A good schedule has the following characteristics:

· It is written down, with both therapist and client having a copy, so that there is no doubt about what has been agreed.

· It runs for a fixed period and then terminates, although it can be renewed if appropriate.

· All activities are timed specifying start time and duration.

· It specifies what activities are to be carried out, where, how, and how success is to be measured.

· It specifies how each activity will be checked and validated (see below)

When starting to devise a schedule, one of the questions I ask is "you have this problem X which is causing you the problems you have described - how much time are you willing to devote each day to solving it?". Once I have this answer (which should hopefully be at least an hour a day or the client isn't serious) we can start to devise the most effective way to use that time.

If at all possible I try to get the client to agree to a fixed time every day, as it is much easier to remember to do something that is a regular habit. We then discuss and agree what is to be done in that time, and start to create the schedule.

As an example take "Jill" who was having panic attacks and wanted to be rid of them. There is a simple technique that can be used in the treatment for panic attacks, which is to induce a simulated attack by hyperventilating or over-breathing, and then controlling it by slow breathing. Jill needed to practice this technique for twenty minutes a day for a few weeks until she had mastered the ability to control her panic attacks, at which point she would no longer fear them. Although the technique is simple and brings results there was a high probability that Jill would give up after a day or two. Why? Because inducing a panic attack is an unpleasant thing to do, and even with the motivation of being free of her attacks she needed a lot of support to keep going long enough.

The monitoring schedule agreed with Jill consisted of a 20 minute slot every evening between 8pm and 8.20pm for her do her panic induction exercise, followed by 10 minutes rest. She agreed to do this every evening apart from Saturday, which was her normal night out. We arranged for her to send me a text at 8.30pm to let me know how she had got on, with me replying by text shortly afterwards to give her support and encouragement. We agreed that if I did not hear from her by 9pm I would send a reminder by text, and if she missed more than one slot we would have a telephone conversation to discuss what was happening, and also discuss it at our next therapy session. The schedule was set up to last for four weeks.

After two days Jill sent a message to say she was stopping, as she was getting headaches. This is a possible side-effect, so we adjusted the schedule to have two five-minute slots instead. Jill restarted, and after a few days practice was able to revert back to the original schedule. There were one or two other missed slots due to life events, but Jill made up the missed time on other days. By the time the schedule ended Jill was free from panic attacks, and has remained so since.

This is an example of a simple schedule, requiring only 30 minutes 6 days per week, with a check-in by text. As additional verification I asked Jill to give me a weekly report on the number of panic attacks she was having, and watching these reduce over the four weeks gave me additional confidence that the schedule was working.

Checking In

In the example above we included a simple system for checking in. In this case we used text messages, as they are quick to send, do not require me to be immediately available, and come with a time stamp indicating when they were sent. They were scheduled to take place shortly after the activity, allowing for a short rest break. An agreement was made as to what action I would take if Jill failed to check in. In this example the check-in highlighted the problem with headaches, which was resolved by changing the schedule before any time was lost. Without the check-in this problem could have persisted for several days, possibly causing Jill to abandon treatment.

Checking in is an important part of the monitoring process. Using text messages is one of the least intrusive and immediate methods, but other possibilities are email, telephone and Skype calls. Other aspects of checking in can include keeping diaries and journals which are sent in on a weekly basis, scheduled telephone conversations or face-to-face meetings.

When the schedule shows signs of breaking down (check-in late or missing, or tasks not completed) it is important to get onto this as quickly as possible and problem-solve the issues. Otherwise demoralisation quickly sets in, possibly leading to the schedule being abandoned. As part of the planning process an agreement should be put in place for dealing with contingencies and outside events - whatever is agreed here should be adhered to as far as is possible.

A routine review, usually once a week is an important part of the checking in process. A fixed time, typically an hour, is set aside for the review in which all aspects of the schedule can be discussed, and problems anticipated in the coming week. To make optimum use of the time it is helpful if the client conducts their own review in advance, sending their report in beforehand. The review time can be very helpful for picking up and dealing with negative emotions that might be arising, such as anger, shame, resentment, resistance and rebelliousness. If left to fester these emotions will block progress, so it is helpful to have a planned time in which they can be aired.

Verification

Checking in is a quick and simple method of monitoring that the schedule is on track, but it does not prove that it is being adhered to. For this a stronger form of validation is required.

An example of this might be "Julie" who I was monitoring to help her overcome a severe alcohol problem. The agreement was that she would give up alcohol totally for the period of the schedule (8 weeks). To help overcome the cravings and avoid temptation to drink, various activities were scheduled at times of high risk for relapse. When Julie checked in 20 minutes late I started to suspect she had been drinking. When asked she strongly denied this, and although I was suspicious I had insufficient evidence to challenge her (which would effectively be accusing her of lying), so had to let it go. Julie was lying, and felt so bad at this that she drank some more. By the next day her resolve to stay with the schedule had disappeared, but she was too ashamed to check in so broke off contact completely. When she finally got in touch again three weeks later she had been on an alcoholic binge, and all progress had been lost.

I learned from this the importance of verification. I got her to purchase a breathalyser, and to avoid any cheating it was a model with a USB port that could be used to download readings direct into her computer, which she emailed to me. She agreed to go onto hourly monitoring, so that she breathalysed herself every hour and sent me the report immediately. If she got a non-zero reading she was also instructed to alert me immediately by text, and if I did not get her hourly check-in I would follow it up. This enabled me to quickly intervene when she started drinking, and help her to activate alternative coping strategies. Although the monitoring was quite onerous for both of us, it stopped the binging, and within a few weeks she was able to come down from the hourly monitoring regime.

In this example technology was used for the purposes of verification, which removes the issue of truth or lying from the relationship. Other technology that can be applied include video recorders and webcams (for recording activities being carried out), camera phones (eg. walk/jog/run to a specific place and transmit a photograph), carbon monoxide detectors (for smoking), digital voice recorders (eg. record yourself making an apology to a shopkeeper for stealing).

Sanctions

This is where the D/s use of monitoring diverges from the therapeutic, as the Dom has many more forms of punishment available to him than the therapist. In therapy the main sanctions are fear of incurring the disapproval of one's therapist, and having to use up valuable session time explaining and discussing the problem. However the strength of these sanctions should not be underestimated - I have read many posts by submissives saying that incurring the disapproval of her Dom is far worse than any physical punishment he could inflict.

Reactance

Reactance is a term describing a natural tendency of a person to react with anger and resentment to any attempt to control their freedom or autonomy. It will inevitably occur with monitoring, as there will be times when the schedule comes to feel like hard work, and the person being monitored reacts with rebellion. It is important to stand firm in these circumstances, as even while rebelling there will be an appreciation of firm support and guidance.

I find it very useful to have anticipated these problems and agreed in advance with my client how I will handle them. In that way I am not acting arbitrarily, but actually carrying out a previously agreed procedure. I am effectively acting as a support to the part of the client's personality that wants change, helping it to stand firm against the part that would rebel and revert to the old behaviour.

Conclusion

This post has mainly concentrated on the therapeutic use of monitoring, and I apologise to any readers who were expecting something with more dominance! As an example of the lengths a schedule can go to I am including one from the D/s world. This was given to me verbally, so I have used a bit of artistic licence to fill in the gaps in my memory. The schedule covers a single day, but with small variations this sub's life was controlled to the same extent virtually every day.

0500 Woken up by alarm

0505 Get up, make bed, toilet, wash, brush teeth

0515 Warm up exercises.

0530 3 mile run (clothing specified)

0630 Cold shower, 5 minutes. Dry off.

0640 Exercises.

0700 Breakfast (specified: orange juice, yoghurt, etc)

0730 Work: creative activity

0900 Answer emails, make phone calls.

0930 Glass of water. Practice postures

1000 Work: letters/admin or more writing.

1100 Go to gym. Workout, swim. Have lunch at gym with friend.

1300 Return home. Relaxation exercises.

1330 Work: creative activity.

1430 Practice musical instrument

1500 Housework

1530 Free time - any desired activity, but must be logged and recorded.

1830 Meal (specified)

1930 Cold shower, 5 minutes. Dry off.

1940 Type up journal and report for monitoring.

2000 Send off all files of work completed, photographs, video recordings in preparation for check-in.

2030 Check in with Master by phone.

2100 Carry out any discipline or assignments ordered by Master.

2130 Bed, lights out.

Personally I can't imagine how it is possible to function on such a rigid schedule, even with the three hours of free time. I can only guess that one must have to build up to it gradually to make it manageable for both the sub and Master.