Personalities - 1

As I reflect on my therapy work I've realized that it can be divided broadly into two - behaviour change and personality change. I have alluded to the behaviour change aspect several times already in this blog - in the therapy world it is the domain of CBT, and in the D/s world it figures prominently in the training that goes on in the relationship between a Dom and a sub.

Behaviour change is very effective for dealing with many of the common psychological problems that afflict us, such as fears & phobias, OCD, social phobia, impulse control problems. It is about changing what we do, and very often it is enough to change the things we do to bring about big change in our lives and how successful we are. Some proponents of behavioural therapy proclaim that it is all that is needed, but this is not true.

Personality change is about changing who we are as opposed to what we do. Personality is partly from our genetics and partly from life experiences, and of course behaviour plays a part too - what we do with the hand of cards our genes have dealt us and the events that life has thrown at us.

A simple model or personality is the true self/false self dichotomy of Donald Winnicott (1960). Winnicott proposed that under certain conditions of development our personalities become divided into two parts - a "false self", which is the public face we show to other people, a persona or mask that we show to the world. Behind this the true self is kept hidden away because we feel it is inferior or unacceptable in some way, a belief that has often arisen because of the way we were received in childhood. Winnicott's model is an oversimplification, but it does fit with the experience of many people, who describe experiences such as "feeling like a fraud", "always acting a part", "not being truly alive", "being empty" or "having a hole inside", "being in a bubble", "cut off from others as if separated by a sheet of glass".

While not disagreeing with the basic idea, I've always been uncomfortable with the "false self" terminology, as it implies something that is wrong or bad, when in fact the false self has just been doing it's best to help us survive in the world. Often the false self has enabled us to be extremely successful in the material world - it may have given us a career, home, family, and even brought us along to therapy. Also I feel that it is inaccurate to believe that there is a "true self" hidden in the depths of our psyches, like a grail cup or treasure chest just waiting to be found.

To visualise a better model, think of the last time you chopped an onion in half and found that it was made up of layers, tightly packed one inside the other. The outer layers represent the adult part of our personality, the part that deals with the world, that corresponds to Winnicott's false self. Inside that, instead of a single true self we have many layers, each representing a different aspect of ourselves. Some aspects are relatively accessible, others are deeply hidden. Everything we have been from conception is preserved in one of these layers. New layers form when we begin a new "chapter" in our lives.

I find this to be an extremely helpful model when dealing with personality difficulties which arise when there is conflict between the layers. Think of each layer as having a mini-personality in its own right, with its own characteristic feeling tone, behaviours, loves and hates, needs and desires. Sometimes a layer may feel a particular age, which could be the age it first formed, or more likely the age it was when superseded by another. These mini personalities can remain hidden for long periods, becoming visible when particular circumstances trigger them into action.

What creates the new layers? Sometimes it is just the normal course of development – we move on, grow up, go to school, college, university, start work, get married and so on. Each of these turning points can prompt us to develop a new identity, in effect growing a new layer of the onion. Sometimes however it may be more traumatic and painful events that cause the change – death or divorce of parents, serious accidents or illnesses, various forms of abuse, the list is endless. Sometimes the wounding is so deep that the mind seals off the younger self behind a defensive wall, protecting us from the emotional hurt and trauma, and allowing us to get on with the business of surviving. In this way Winnicott’s true and false selves are created.

We can survive for many years with hidden layers of walled-off trauma, but eventually something causes the old material to surface – often relationships with people we are close to can do this. Sometimes instead of the old feelings and memories breaking through into our adult personality we actually regress back to a younger age, we become that young wounded child again. When this happens we often re-experience the traumatic events as if they were real. This can be disconcerting for us, and also for people who know us, as we are literally “not ourselves” – we have taken on the personality of a different self from a previous era of our lives. We may feel that we are going mad.

What can be done to repair a personality that is fragmented in this way? This really depends upon the degree of trauma and wounding. As I said earlier everyone goes through life changes, and if they were not too traumatic we can re-integrate our younger selves by means of self-awareness and relationships.

However for someone who has experienced splitting of the personality due to severe trauma such as abuse, I would say unequivocally that this can only be done with the aid of a very experienced therapist, skilled in this type of personality work. It can be a long and arduous process, often lasting years. It cannot be rushed, which is one reason I have no time for people who believe that any psychological problem can be solved in six sessions. It is not easy to locate such a therapist – they are few and far between and tend to be busy, often charging less than others who are less well qualified. If you are searching for such a therapist it is important to trust your instincts about their personality, as you will be working with them for a long time, and often first impressions are remarkably accurate. You may have to work through several therapists before finding the one who is right for you.

Can a D/s relationship help to repair splits in the personality? Up to a point I think that the answer can be yes, but we are back to the difference between mild and severe wounding that I have just mentioned. D/s relationships can create very intense emotions, which can be healing in the right circumstances, but potentially damaging if there are hidden wounds. The best advice I can give to anyone who is considering D/s and knows that they have trauma in their past is to find a therapist first.

Winnicott, D. W. (1960). "Ego Distortion in Terms of True and False Self," in The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. New York: International UP Inc., 1965, pp. 140-152.