How was it for you?

I am curious about what the experience of therapy/counselling is like for clients who have a BDSM orientation, or wish to talk about problems related to sadism, masochism, domination or submissiveness. Is it a positive experience, with their orientation and problems accepted and understood, or are they pathologized? Is BDSM treated as a symptom to be cured, or a lifestyle to be welcomed?

As a therapist myself I would hope that the experience is a positive one, but my own experiences and other pieces of evidence make me less than optimistic.

My first serious experience of therapy did not inspire confidence. It was a "training analysis" - therapy I was doing as part of training to be a therapist. I felt it was important to be as honest as possible, so talked about my interest in sadomasochism to my middle-aged female therapist. She was clearly uncomfortable about it, and never referred to it again. When I left my therapy with her 18 months later she seemed rather relieved.

This therapist's inability to respond is hardly surprising given the way alternative sexuality is dealt with in the training of therapists - in my experience it isn't. During four years of training I never once heard sadomasochism or issues of domination and submission discussed. In fact the whole subject of sexuality was scarcely mentioned, an amazing omission considering that Freud considered it to be central. If therapists are not introduced to BDSM, how can they possibly help clients who come with issues connected to it?

When professionals do discuss issues of sadism and masochism they tend to focus on the pathological end of the spectrum. Most of the literature on the subject sees it as a disorder to be treated (for a website dedicated to changing this, take a look at www.revisef65.org).

I would therefore welcome comments from anyone who has an experience of bringing these issues to therapy. Here are a few questions to get you going:

1. How easy was it to tell your therapist about your sexual orientation towards BDSM?

2. Did you feel accepted in your sexuality?

3. Did you feel your therapist understood you?

4. How did they interpret what you were describing ? (e.g. as a problem symptom, a lifestyle choice, a process of growth, etc.)

5. Was your therapist's approach helpful?

6. Did the overall process of therapy help you move forward?

7. How could it have been more effective (or if it was, what made it so)?

8. What was your therapist's treatment approach? (e.g. person centred, psychodynamic, CBT, etc.)

Feel free to add a comment below, or email me at painhlr@yahoo.co.uk