Neglect
I detect a pattern in psychotherapy that sees abuse as the be-all and end-all of diagnosis. Find a good bit of abuse in your client's past and you've "solved the case" and found the cause of all their problems. Help them work through the memories using your favourite technique and all will be well - healing is assured.
Except when it isn't.
I'm not denying that for many people, healing the wounds of past traumas can be beneficial. I have helped many a troubled client in this way. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes, even after draining the barrel of traumatic memories to the dregs, the longed for resolution doesn't occur, and the unwanted problems remain.
And I have a theory about that.
For abuse to take place in the family, there often has to be neglect too. Someone isn't noticing the child's distress, anger or behavioural changes. And neglect is so much harder to pin down. There are no clear cut memories of trauma. It is more like an absence, something is missing. A loneliness, a feeling of exclusion, of being an outsider. And filling the hole left by neglect can cause a person to become demanding, needy, forever looking for the strong parental figure who can take over and make it right.
I can't help wondering if this is the pattern underlying submissive behaviour. Submissives, from reading the writings of some of those who publish, need certain specific things. They need to feel wanted, loved and cared for. They need to experience the authority of a strong, reliable master or parent figure. They need to be given structure and discipline, for firm boundaries to be set. They need punishment - they may not like it, but an inner drive impels them to seek it, and they report feeling better after receiving it. They hate feeling neglected, and will go to great lengths to obtain their master's attention. To use a concept from Transactional Analysis, "negative strokes are better than no strokes".
Could it be that the submissive seeks out a dominant partner in order to heal the wounds left by childhood neglect? If this is true, then it seems to work - those submissives who find the right master seem to be very happy, and report having found a solution which is right for them. Good for them I say, and perhaps therapists have something to learn here.
Except when it isn't.
I'm not denying that for many people, healing the wounds of past traumas can be beneficial. I have helped many a troubled client in this way. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes, even after draining the barrel of traumatic memories to the dregs, the longed for resolution doesn't occur, and the unwanted problems remain.
And I have a theory about that.
For abuse to take place in the family, there often has to be neglect too. Someone isn't noticing the child's distress, anger or behavioural changes. And neglect is so much harder to pin down. There are no clear cut memories of trauma. It is more like an absence, something is missing. A loneliness, a feeling of exclusion, of being an outsider. And filling the hole left by neglect can cause a person to become demanding, needy, forever looking for the strong parental figure who can take over and make it right.
I can't help wondering if this is the pattern underlying submissive behaviour. Submissives, from reading the writings of some of those who publish, need certain specific things. They need to feel wanted, loved and cared for. They need to experience the authority of a strong, reliable master or parent figure. They need to be given structure and discipline, for firm boundaries to be set. They need punishment - they may not like it, but an inner drive impels them to seek it, and they report feeling better after receiving it. They hate feeling neglected, and will go to great lengths to obtain their master's attention. To use a concept from Transactional Analysis, "negative strokes are better than no strokes".
Could it be that the submissive seeks out a dominant partner in order to heal the wounds left by childhood neglect? If this is true, then it seems to work - those submissives who find the right master seem to be very happy, and report having found a solution which is right for them. Good for them I say, and perhaps therapists have something to learn here.
Thank you, for a very interesting post. These questions - if abuse or neglect in the past can lead a person to seek Dominance - has been asked before, by many, and is one of the main arguements from people who seem to think of D/s as something unhealthy and destroying.
ReplyDeleteYou have given me much to think about now, I thank you again.
-L-
Thanks, little one. I'm very pleased that you found my comments helpful.
ReplyDeleteI've added a link to your site, as I was especially taken by your post on self-discipline. Allowing someone else to step in and supply the discipline at the times when you can't manage it yourself seems such a sane, health and common-sense thing to do!
Good studying! PH.
Thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteI have written a blog-entery about the subject myself now, if you are interested. I thank you again for a very interesting blog, and I mean all of it, not just this post.
Be well!
-L-